PETA Letter

March 1, 2001


People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
501 Front Street
Norfolk, VA
23510
USA


Dear Peta-philes,

Thank you so much for all you do in your international fight for animal rights! You truly are my real life heroes! I live in a 2 bedroom apartment and own 8 dogs, 3 horses, 6 budgies, 4 geckos, 1 turtle, 17 bunnies (oops, now 18!), and numerous fish. The dogs are black and white border collies that look very similar because I have to take them out two at a time (I can only legally have 2 small pets in my apartment building - shhh!), and the horses are at my uncle's ranch. A scary hamster incident in the hallway 18 months ago almost ruined everything, but the landlord is practically deaf, so I haven't been caught yet.

Anyways, the reason for my letter is to seek absolution. You see, 10 days ago - Saturday, Feb 17th - I accidentally, inadvertently stepped on a Daddy Long-Legs spider while on a walk with Shelby and Bob Barker (two of my wonderful canines). I saw the little critter at the last second, but my leg, now on it's downward footfall, was unable to avoid the squishing impact. It was crushed and so was I!

I have been an ardent animal supporter ever since a truck ran over my puppy (Rascal) when I was 8 years old. And I have been ever so careful to avoid tragic loss like the spider for the last 22 years. Since the incident, I have been unable to sleep. I even tried to gently revive the little guy by straightening out his legs and blowing softly on his mangled furry bodice. The recovery seems hopeless (although he is now safely tucked away in my freezer for future attempts, if the technology ever exists - kind of a cryogenic sleep, so to speak).

My main question for you is this: Can you ever forgive me? Please find it in your heart to absolve me of this heinous act, and take note of my remorseful and repentant attitude. I did not mean to rid the earth of one of Mother Nature's great creatures, and I now beg your forgiveness. I have been unable to find a local animal "priest" who may help me with my situation (there is a sorry lack of animal compassion in Canada, I must admit). Please respond to my plea as soon as you are able. Until I am exonerated by your higher authority, I will be haunted by the "squish" of Mr. Lanky (the name I have bestowed on the dearly departed).

Also, do you have an XL t-shirt I could give to my sister-in-law? She is an animal lover as well. Thanks for your most serious attention to this matter, I'm indebted to you.

No more chicken pitas for me,

Dairn M Peters

PETA Reply

May 20, 2001


Dear Dairn,

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. I apologize for the delay in responding. I have enclosed our brochure on finding the right home for your companion animals in case your landlord discovers your menagerie and demands that you reduce their numbers. You might also want to consider seeking a different apartment or house with a landlord who will allow you to legally live with so many animals. A successful strategy is to compile a list of references of individuals who can vouch for your animals and your responsibility, which you can give to a prospective landlord. You might want to contact the Doris Day Animal League at 202-546-1761 or the Denver Dumb Friends League at 303-233-7387 for tips on finding and apartment that will permit your companion animals.

Stepping on the spider was an accident, as you noted. There is no need for you to seek absolution from PETA. It's good to know that you're a friend not only to "cute and cuddly" animals, but to spiders and other insects as well. The animals are truly lucky to have you as a friend, and we value your support.

Keep up the good work on behalf of the animals.

Sincerely,

Liz Welsh
Correspondent

GAP Letter

November 19, 1996

Londonderry GAP
West Regional Office
137 - 66 St.
Edmonton, AB
T5C 3C8


Dear clothing kings,

I alomost never write letters to anyone, especially worldwide outlet stores, but a friend of mine prompted me to send you a note. She (Patty) does ALL of her shopping at your GAP stores here in the Vancouver area. She loves your products and CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THEM! Patty has probably purchased enough clothing to put all of the children of the GAP's middle management team through college (to become great future GAP managers, no doubt)! She is such an expert on your merchandise that she can look at a perfect stranger, tell me what his sizes are and what he would look good wearing, and then give me the total cost of a new GAP wardrobe in a matter of seconds - including taxes!!! It's uncanny! Everyone who works here at the senior's home loves the GAP!

Well, yesterday I asked Patty what "GAP" stood for? And she went completely blank. My question stumped her, so we asked around, and here are some of the answers we received:

- Girls Are Pretty?
- Good All-round Pants?
- Goofy And Pluto?
- Gals And Pals?
- Guarantees Are Par-for-the-course?
- Guaranteed Anti-Plaid?
- Something to do with the Gap Theory?
- It was orginally "Garp" but the sign maker left out the "r" by mistake?
- Guys Are Poopy? (a bitter, relationship-starved woman, no doubt)

Are we close on any of these? Patty and I would really appreciate any response you could send in regards to "what does GAP mean?" My personal opinion is that it has something to do with the space between David Letterman's teeth!

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my question. Is it possible to send a nice GAP cap to me, and maybe a t-shirt (XL) for Patty? We would be proud to promote your company and bridge the "gap" between those who buy your merchandise and those who only think about it!

Gapping my plugs,

Dairn M Peters

GAP Reply

December 1st, 1996


Dear Dairn,

Thank you very much for your creative letter regarding The GAP. I have enclosed a brief history of The GAP which will hopefully answer all the questions both you and your friend Patty may have.

It is nice to receive correspondence from such loyal customers and I have gladly enclosed two GAP baseball caps for both you and Patty.


Happy Holidays!

Katie Macdonald
Regional Manager

Pacific Trading Cards Letter

February 10, 1999

Pacific Trading Cards Inc
18424 Highway 99
Lynnwood, WA
98037


Dear card company colossus,

Please help me. I have a math problem. If two trains, loaded with highly prized Pacific Card products, leave Chicago and Seattle at the exact same time, on the exact same track, heading exactly towards each other, for how much would I have to mortgage my home in order to collect enough freaking points to get diddly-squat in your wonderful "Collector Rewards Program"?!?!?!?! (Please tell me you catch a hint of sarcasm)

I know that my math metaphor leaves something to be desired, but please hear me out. My local card dealer gave me one of your collector reward catalogues (#1), and needless to say I was drooling over the prospect of getting some valuable, rare, "not-sold-in-stores" Pacific collectibles. When I got home, the laser cut "In The Cage" series of baseball and hockey cards caught my eye. Wow! They are some fine looking pieces of cardboard. Then I saw "only 60,000 Pacific points" (plus 300 shipping and handling). That's not so bad, each package of Pacific cards must be worth close to 500 or 1000, I thought to myself. Brain freeze! My 10 packs of cards each said "2 Points" in the corner. Must be a mistake! I took out my calculator and figured out that I would need 30,000 packs of Pacific hockey cards. At $2 per package (a very conservative estimate, I might add), I'd only need $60,000 to fetch my coveted laser-etched 20 card set. Were they made on the moon??? Do they have gold from Bill Gates' teeth??? Are they made from the diamonds on Michael Jackson's glove???

Please answer my question: WHO ON EARTH CAN AFFORD YOUR REWARDS???

Otherwise, keep up the great work.

You gotta know when to hold 'em,

Dairn M Peters

Pacific Trading Cards Reply

*****

Still waiting....

*****

Nabob Letter (1)

October 6, 1995

Gerry Steele
Nabob Coffee Co
3131 Lake City Way
Burnaby, BC V5A 3A3


Dear perk-a-lator professionals,

I must confess right off the top that I am not a coffee drinker. I apologize for not supporting your company in a financial manner, but I can't bear to be involved the the slaughter of millions of coffee beans each year. (Just kidding, I'm not a vegetarian or anything like that!) The reason for my letter is to compliment you on your thoroughly addicting product. You see, my friend Douggie drinks approximately 12 cups of your coffee each day (even more on weekends), for a weekly total of 96 cups. That's around 34 litres each week! He buys your fine ground coffee in bulk at Costco, and yet he's in fantastic shape (no yelly-jelly, java belly if you know what I mean)! His wife pleads with him to cut down, but even she admits he's in the best shape of his life, and he keeps drinking more!

Anyways, I have a question for you. His addiction leads me to ask if your coffee is laced with cocaine in any way? I mean, it does come from Columbia right? By the way, how's Juan Valdez doing? I hope he's being paid well considering every bean is handpicked by him. Also, that poor donkey of his, having to pack millions of beans out of the jungle each year. Have some compassion and upgrade Juan's technology a bit! Maybe a helicopter, or at least a side-kick named Pedro. What do you think? I was also wondering if Juan Valdez is in any way related to the Exxon Valdez oil tanker disaster a few years back? If so, I may have to continue my boycott of coffee and not start drinking it any time soon! But Douggie will never stop chugging your brown liquidy stuff. He's a diehard! By the way, do you have a cool Nabob cap and t-shirt (XXL) lying around that you could send to me? I know Douggie would just love it! Thanks a lot!

Mr. Steele, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my questions and comments. Also, thanks again for checking into the shirt and cap thing!

Does Bob truly "neigh" or just whinny?

Dairn M Peters

Nabob Letter (2)

April 26, 1996

Nabob Coffee Co
Customer Service
3131 Lake City Way
Burnaby, BC V5A 3A3


Dear coffee connoisseurs,

I wrote to you on October 6, 1995, but have heard no response from your company. My original letter was addressed to Gerry Steele, but maybe he doesn't work there any longer. I am assuming that you did not receive my previous correspondence (copy enclosed), because a habitual six month delay in customer response time would probably put your business out of... well, business.

My questions were fairly simple: 1) My friend seems addicted to your coffee product - is there any cocaine in your Columbian coffee? 2) How is Juan Valdez doing? 3) Would it be possible to send a Nabob cap and t-shirt (XL) for Douggie and myself? When I wrote last time I was not a coffee drinker at all. There was, of course, pressure from my friend to start, so I began to experiment with different ways to consume your black, liquidy product. First I would pour exhorbitant amounts of sweeteners and cream into the coffee. That was OK, but it kept me up all night.Then I attempted to run orange juice through Douggie's coffee maker in lieu of straight H2O. That tasted sort of rancid! The breakthrough occurred when I poured perked Nabob coffee into my popsicle moulds at home (mmm, I love popsicles), put in toothpicks, froze them, and voila! Ice cold coffee on a stick! It's great! Please feel free to market this wonderful new item, as I require no compensation for the creation. "A new ice age for coffee lovers has dawned!"

Anyhow, I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my letter. I truly am a coffee-holic today, even if it isn't in the conventional sense!

Thanks for "perking" up my mornings with a quick lick of coffee on a stick!

Beans, beans, the musical fruit,

Dairn M Peters

Nabob Letter (3)

October 16, 1996

Nabob Coffee Co
Manager of Customer Service
3131 Lake City Way
Burnaby, BC V5A 3A3


Dear bean grinders extraordinaire,

I have written two letters to you (October 6, 1995/April 26, 1996), but have heard no response from your company. I am resubmitting my letters to the manager of customer service in order to receive a written response from your company. If you peruse my previous correspondence, you will note my evolution from coffee-hater to the coffee-addict that I am today. I have no complaints about Nabob at all, but I wonder about your company's lack of regard for your faithful consumers. I mean, doesn't our consumption of your product keep you in business?

I would appreciate you taking the time to read my previous letters and replying to my queries. Thank you very much, from a devoted (addicted?) Nabob fan.

Use Beano for heartburn,

Dairn M Peters

Nabob Reply

October 25, 1996

Dear Dairn Peters:

Thank you for contacting the Nabob Coffee Company.

I apologize for not responding sooner, but it seems that your previous letters never arrived at our department. I am sorry for the inconvenience this has caused you and your friend.

Nabob coffee does not contain cocaine, or any traces of this substance. Caffeine itself can be considered an addictive substance. Your friend may want to research caffeine and its side affects.

Juan Valdez is a character created by the producers of Columbian Coffee. He is represented by an actual Columbian farmer. He was created to provide an image of quality for all coffee beans that are grown in Columbia. If you would like more information on Juan Valdez, I would refer you to the Columbian Coffee Federation at 140 East 57th St, New York, NY 10022. The telephone number is 1-212-421-8300.

Unfortunately, we do not have any Nabob hats or T-shirts. The Nabob Mugs and Coffee Scoops I have enclosed for you and Douggie, are the only premium items I have available at this time. I hope you will enjoy them.

Once again, I do apologize for the delay in responding. If you have any further questions, please feel free to call or write again.

Sincerely,

Renée Gaudet
Consumer Associate

Mojo Letter

June 11, 1996

MOJO Candy
Taveners Pic
Liverpool L7 OHA
England


Dear chewy candy companions,

I love Mojo candies! I've been eating them since I was a kid and have enjoyed the wide variety of flavours packed in a little chewy gem. Mmmmm! I write to you for two reasons: First, I wanted to simply congratulate you on your fine product, and ask that you never stop sending them to Canada (no matter what the French-Canadians say about the English). Second, I need to ask about the phonetic pronunciation of the word "Mojo". I have two friends who say Mojo differently than I do. One friend is from Mexico (Manuel), and he pronounces the 'J' with an 'H' sound, Mo-ho. My other friend, Svend, is Swedish or Danish or Finnish (or some kind of ish), and he says "Mo-yo", with a 'Y' sound. Of course, I pronounce it with a 'J' sound like ju-jube, jelly bean, and Ajax (the North American cleaning product, not the soccer team over your way). Please be kind enough to clear up this confusing mess for us. Thanks a lot! Also, could you send a Mojo cap or t-shirt for my friends? They would be really thrilled!

Thanks again for responding to my queries. Cheerio!

Re-elect Prime Minister John "Mojo"!

Dairn M Peters

Mojo Reply

Date: 23 October 1996


Dear Dairn

Thank you very much for your letter. I don't know where your first letter disappeared to but we did not receive it.

It is always great to hear that our Mojo's are loved. We all love them here. You have the correct pronunciation, not Manuel or Svend!

Unfortunately, we are not 'Americanised' and do not have any baseball caps etc. which we can send you.

Thanks again for your letter and keep chewin' the Mojo's.

Regards.

DAVID KELLY
Export Manager