D mail

Actual letters I have written and the actual responses I have received. Enjoy!

Name:
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada

Thursday, July 21, 2005

BCTV Letter

July 17, 1995


BCTV
7850 Enterprise St
Burnaby, BC
V5A 1V7


Dear TV station sultans,

I'm writing to congratulate you on your fine television station. Your show selection is impressive (I love watching Letterman), and Squire Barnes is the most entertaining, knowledgeable, and humourous sportscaster ANYWHERE! (take that, Dan Russell)

Anyhow, the main reason for my letter is to grant you the coveted "Most Inappropriate Ad Placement Of The Year Award." I just made up the category today, so you've probably never heard of it before, but my family (wife, Wendy; sons, Harvey and Denny; and adopted daughter, Shelagh) is fully behind me on this. We were watching the evening newscast on your station, as always, waiting for the sports report with Squire Barnes. It was exactly 6:43pm according to my watch, when a commercial came on regarding speeding in BC. It was one of those "Roadsense" ads with a car going 100 kph (able to stop before having an accident), and another vehicle (a van I think, I don't know the model...) going 115 kph, unable to stop before smashing into a semi trailer. The ad then states that "Speed is killing us." It is a very effective commercial which had the whole family quiet (even our yappy poodle, Luigi), and just staring at the TV set. THEN, the very next commercial shows Indy race cars going in excess of 300 kph around Vancouver, and the announcer says to "Get your speeding tickets now!" The Vancouver Indy is billed as the fastest weekend in town, and... get this... is sponsored by Molson Canadian beer!!! HELLO??? Are you trying to tell me: "Speed kills, but support the racing of cars going too fast, sponsored by the sale of alcohol?" You can see that by themselves, these commercials are no big deal, but when they are run back to back, side by side, and one after the other, it defies logic! Do you see what I mean? That's why you are this year's winner!

Of course, this is all in the name of good humour, as I don't want you to think that I'm angry or upset, just curious as to how this could have happened? This is of additional interest to me since that I am one of the local finalists to drive the pace car for the start of this year's Indy race. I hope that your viewers don't get the idea that all race drivers are speed demons who consume gallons of beer and don't realize the importance of road safety.

Thanks for taking the time to read my comment. I know that you didn't mean for anything negative to come from a simple TV ad, but that's the same thing they said when writers came up with the sitcom, "Who's The Boss?" By the way, how about showing some "Hogan's Heroes" reruns? That was a classic show!

TV for me,
Dairn M Peters
PS Could you please coax Squire into sending an autographed photo for my son Denny, and a BCTV cap for my adopted daughter Shelagh?

BCTV Reply

July 26, 1995


Mr. Dairn M. Peters
Suite 107 - 6198 Kathleen Ave
Burnaby, B.C.
V5H 2S7


Dear Dairn,

Thank you very much for your most enjoyable letter of July 17, 1995. I am pleased that you enjoy BCTV and I will pass your kind comments along to Squire Barnes.

I reluctantly accept your coveted "Most Inappropriate Ad Placement of the Year Award" - sounds like we won hands down!

Dairn, thank you very much for taking the time to write - please believe me when I say that your note is probably the most creative one that I have received to date this year!

I'll pass your comments on regarding "Hogan's Heroes" to our Vice President of Programming. Enclosed is an autographed photo of Squire and a cap for Shelagh.

My very best wishes and sincere thanks, I am,

Yours sincerely,

R.S. (Ron) Bremner
President and Chief Executive Officer

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Oakland A's Letter

September 27, 1996


Oakland Athletics
7000 Coliseum Way
Oakland, CA
94621-1918


Dear A-Team,

I have been an Oakland A's fan since my 5th birthday (9 years ago), and have watched all the games that I could over the years, mostly during Blue Jays telecasts because I'm in Canada. Recently a group of guys at my school were bragging about the Atlanta Braves and I told them that I didn't think they were the best team. They asked which team I liked best, and I triumphantly stated, "I am a proud Athletic's supporter!", and by the time I could say that the Oakland A's were definitely the best team in baseball, they were all laughing at me, rolling around on the ground holding their stomachs because they began to hurt from laughter! I asked them what was so funny, and they just pointed at me and called me an Athletic supporter. Of course, I agreed with them and said, "yes, I am an Athletic's supporter, so what?" AND THEY LAUGHED ALL THE HARDER!

I just want to write to you and tell you that your team doesn't get the proper respect that it deserves. I am ashamed of the way my Canadian "friends" were making fun of all the Athletic's supporters and jocks on the team that, in my opinion, could be the best home run team of all time!

Anyways, just thought I'd write and tell you that there is at least one major Athletic's supporter in Canada who will do his best to support and protect your reputation. Please continue doing a great job signing veterans and potential stars, I'd hate to see an A's jock strapped for cash, and then holding out or demanding a trade. That'd be awful!

Proud to be a supporter,
Dairn M Peters
PS Is it possible to send me an Oakland A's cap? Thanks a lot! (Please say "hi" to Mr. McGwire for me)

Oakland A's Reply

* No letter, simply a Mark McGwire bookmark and an autographed black and white photo. *

Thursday, July 14, 2005

NASA Letter (1)

January 13, 1996

Johnson Space Center
2101 NASA Road 1
Houston, Texas
77058


Dear space guys,

I'm not exactly sure who to write to, but I needed to get a hold of the NASA people somehow. I just loved the movie Apollo 13! Even though the actual event took place before I was born, the earth-shattering-edge-of-your-seat-hair-raising-hold-your-breath-til-you-puke excitement of the story somehow BECAME A PART OF ME (I was in my mother's womb at the time of the incident, so, through osmosis, I felt the worldwide concern reaching the very depths of my recently conceived being.... or something like that). I know that Hollywood made the film, but you people truly deserve the credit for the fine human drama involved. I offer my sincere congratulations for your great work every day (air traffic controllers think they have pressure, ha! Try bringing in a screaming chunk of metal from outer space!), and my personal thanks for the influence that "Mission Control" has made in my life (I realize that most of you had nothing to do with Apollo 13, but I've come to think of you all as cosmically related to that almost ill-fated occurrence, and mutually intertwined with the lives of those who were actually there.... or something like that).

However, "Houston, we have a problem" (of course, I've always wanted to say that). My son, Buzz, absolutely LIVES to watch space travel movies like Apollo 13, The Right Stuff and Plan 9 From Outer Space, and so for his birthday I'd love to get him an official NASA cap. Do you have one lying around that you could send? It would mean a lot to me if it is possible! My own dream would be to one day travel in the space shuttle. Are there any openings? I'm in pretty good physical shape, I've learned how to urinate in a pickle jar (is that part of the training?), and having a Canadian aboard couldn't hurt political situations either. Please write back and let me know how things are going down in the heart of the space program.

Thanks in advance to your response to my questions, I appreciate you taking the time to answer a die hard fan.

To Infinity And Beyond! (or something like that),
Dairn M Peters
PS I own the Star Wars trilogy. (I thought this information might make it easier for you to narrow down your shuttle passenger selections!)

NASA Letter (2)

April 10, 1996


Johnson Space Center
2101 NASA Road 1
Houston, Texas
77058


Dear orbital observers,

I wrote to you in January of this year commending you on your terrific, yet difficult task of spearheading North America's space stuff. I have not heard a response from you, and a friend of mine quietly pointed out to me that my previous letter sounded kinda goofy! Please accept my sincerest apologies if my letter dated January 13th, 1996 was worded sort of strangely. My two main concerns were: 1) Could you send me a NASA cap for my science-fiction craved son? 2) Are there any openings for a clearly Canadian cosmonaut on one of your upcoming space shuttle shuttles?

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my queries. I enclosed a copy of my previous letter for your perusal in case the postal service did us a disservice and failed to service my postal requirements (lost my letter).

Spam, the final frontier!
Dairn M Peters

NASA Reply

* I received a picture of the Space Shuttle, and this form letter with a single check mark (X) on it *


National Aeronautics and
Space Administration

Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center
2101 NASA Road 1
Houston, Texas 77058-3696


Dear Requestor:

Thank you for your recent letter requesting information about the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA). Your letter was forwarded to this office for response. Please note the statements checked below that are appropriate to your request:

__ Available material is enclosed.
__ Information is out of print.
__ Information is not available at this time.
__ The requested information is not distributed from this office.
__ The requested publication can be purchased from the U.S. Government Printing Office, Superintendent of Documents, Washington, DC 20402, 202-783-3238, or you can check the Federal Government listings in your phone directory for a Government Book Store in your area.
__ This office does not maintain a mailing list such as you have requested.
__ There is no charge for postage or materials distributed by the Johnson Space Center.
__ NASA does not recommend specific institutions or courses of instruction. Please contact accredited universities of your choice to determine if instruction is offered in the aerospace field.
__ Autographs and any individual astronaut photographs can be obtained by writing to Mail Code CB, Johnson Space Center, 2101 NASA Road 1, Houston, TX 77058-3696.
__ Due to budgetary constraints, we are unable to fill bulk orders (or multiple requests for the same items from a single requestor).
X_ To purchase NASA souvenirs, please contact the Space Trader Store at 1-800-746-7724.
__ Please check with a university, local library, or planetarium for this request.
__ Please see the attached list of sources for additional information.


Your interest in the U.S Space Program is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

The Information Services Center Staff

Monday, July 11, 2005

BCAA Letter

November 1, 1995


Mr. Ian Somerville - Mgr BCAA
4567 Canada Way
Burnaby, BC
V5G 4T1


Dear AA for BC,

Help me, I'm confused! I received your "OOPS! We goofed!" mailing this week, and in it I find a letter explaining the connection BCAA has with Mohawk gas stations. Do I have to sign up again with Mohawk to get the benefits of a reduced BCAA membership next year? I have already paid for more than 3 months of bills from Mohawk with my current BCAA/Mohawk gas card. Should I ask them for a refund? Do I need to fill out another application form from you in order to complete the process? Am I not already signed up with Mohawk? If I sign up again, do I lose the 2% discount on next year's membership that I have already earned? Should I use a better grade of gasoline in my car? Do you think new radial tires will get me through the winter? Is the Mohawk name just as racist as the Atlanta Braves-Cleveland Indians World Series? What's your angle on this whole Quebec separation thing? And what will happen to Pepe LePew? Will BC separate to the States? What if we joined Hawaii? Would we have better weather? Are the Grizzlies going to even win a single game this year? What's with those Canucks? When will Milli Vanilli ever give a live concert again? Will Michael Jackson get a slight tan and become confused with that albino kid in the movie "Powder"? Who really owns Greenland anyways? And why don't we move all the politicians and lawyers there? Any idea how to get a bike chain grease mark off of tan pants? What the heck is a Morphin?

Oops, sorry. Kinda rattled on there. Anyways, if you have any answers for me, please let me know as soon as possible (I don't want my BCAA/Mohawk card to lose any of it's benefits if I can help it). Thanks for your attention to my letter. Enclosed is a copy of your letter.

For better answers in a confusing world,
Dairn M Peters
PS Do you have a cap you could send for my son, Braydn? He collects them. Thanks!

BCAA Reply

November 17, 1995


Dear Mr. Peters:

I am writing in response to your letter dated November 1, 1995. It was a real pleasure to receive your letter, it came just at that moment in the day when you really need a little bit of a laugh. Now let me see what I can do to answer some of the questions that you posed.

In regards to your BCAA/Mohawk credit card. There is no need to sign-up again for the BCAA/Mohawk credit card. You are currently part of the program that credits your BCAA membership as you use your BCAA/Mohawk credit card, so therefore no need to request a refund.

As far as using a better grade of gasoline in your car, go for it! The best for the best!! Let me just briefly answer the remaining questions by saying ... maybe ... No ... no comment ... Pepe Le Who? ... hope not ... I would open an office there, so I would get better weather for sure ... I know more about the squirrel population in Vancouver than I do about the bear population ... I heard that Milli Vanilli were playing for the Canucks defense ... don't know ... where is Greenland? ... agreed ... try "Simply Green" directly on the spot and let it soak for 30 minutes prior to washing ... did you say Morphin or Morphine???

I hope I have answered your question(s) sufficiently. Not to worry, you are earning a discount on your BCAA membership when you use your BCAA/Mohawk credit card. Thanks for your letter, if you have any questions or comments please feel free to call me at 268-5501.

Sincerely,

Ian Somerville
Manager

PS I hope Braydn enjoys the cap.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Zero Chocolate Bar Letter (1)

January 27, 1996


N.V. KJSCO S.A.
Brusselsteenweg 450
1500 Halle
Belgium


Dear heavenly confectioners,

All of us "clients" here at the Riverview Mental Institution have fallen in love with your wonderfully sinful ZERO chocolate bars! They are the best thing we have tasted since our 1954 milkshake machine broke down! The wardens... uh, nurses, allow us one treat per week from the outside world and your Belgium chocolate is our favourite. The reason for this letter is to say "thank you" for creating such a perfect delight. It is one of our only pleasures in this dreary existence (except for "spinach purée surprise" on Thursday nights).

We are only allowed to write one letter each month and I was chosen by the other inmates... uh, clients, to send you our appreciation. I guess I was selected because I am the only one who has no family with whom to correspond (some were killed in the San Francisco earthquake in '88, others were killed in the Crusades in the 13th century, and my uncle was taken by alien invaders, but I don't want to bore you with the details), and also, the reason I'm in this prison... uh, institution, is because I used to write letters to large corporations every so often, asking them really silly questions. I guess I was considered "qualified".

I hope that you can understand our sincere thanks for making this world of ours a better place! Danka! Could you please send a few ZERO hats or caps for the prisoners... uh, clients to wear? We would really appreciate it! I hope that this letter gets to the right person (I've enclosed a ZERO wrapper with your address for reference). Please resond soon, as some of us are planning to break out when it gets warmer. Thanks and merci!

Chocolate is nice,
Dairn M Peters
PS We're not too thrilled about the "Muscles from Brussels", Jean-Claude Van Damme. Will your country be taking him back any time soon?

Zero Chocolate Bar Letter (2)

October 17, 1996


N.V. KJSCO S.A.
Brusselsesteenweg 450
1500 Halle
Belgium



Dear Chocolate gods,

We NEED to hear from you! I wrote a letter to you nine months ago, and have received no response. Please take a moment to read my previous letter (copy enclosed) and send a letter back as soon as possible. Everyone here at the Riverview Institute loves ZERO bars! Thank you so much for your quick reply!

I think the rooms are bugged,
Dairn M Peters

Zero Chocolate Bar Reply

Kraft Jacobs Suchard

Met vriendelijke groeten
Avec les compliments de
With compliments
Mit freundlichen Gruben


* NOTE: The following was handwritten on a piece of letterhead.


Dear Dairn M Peters,

Please find herewith a few Zero headbands
for thanking you to be fallen in love
with our delightfull Zero.

Kind regards,

Wavters Tauie

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Alaska Airlines Letter

June 26, 1998

Alaska Airlines
PO Box 68900
Seattle, WA
98168


Dear aviation authorities,

As long as I could remember, every trip I've taken has been with another airline (we'll just say it hasn't always been the most "friendly skies" during each flight). I don't know why, but this past May I was booked on Alaska Airlines for a trip down to LA from Vancouver. I was a little nervous at first because I hadn't heard much about you, but now I'm a believer! The flight was excellent, nay, superb! The service was second-to-none and the food was to die for (compared to the slime I was getting used to on that other "divided" airline). The captain even came to the back to greet everyone during the flight. You do have an autopilot feature, don't you? Needless to say, I'll be flying Alaskan from now on. Even your flight attendants are cute!

I do have a few suggestions and one question, however. The jet was a 737 and I had a window seat, which was nice. But to look out the windows I had to crank my neck down at a 90 degree angle, and tilt it to the right to see out of the little tiny portal. May I suggest moving all of the windows up 8-12 inches for a better view? Or maybe lowering the floor? Somehow I think I missed a lot of the great scenery one can find at 30,000 feet. Another suggestion would be to install a conveyor belt the length of the middle aisle. This would allow for the drink and food carts to be moved effortlessly without the dragging/pushing from the overworked attendants. Great ideas or what?

My final inquiry concerns the large portrait of Johnny Cash on the tail of your jets. At first I thought that each plane may feature the likeness of a different celebrity, but at LAX I saw that all of your aircraft show off the smile of the "man in black." Does he own the company? Has he paid a large promotional fee to spread the gospel of country and western twang? Will there be other musicians featured in the future (Randy Travis, Canada's Shania Twain, Bob Dylan, or even Meatloaf)? This would be a really novel idea, please let me know what you have planned!

Well, I just wanted to say, "job well done!" It's not often a company receives my personal praise, so let everyone know that they're great, and that you've got a committed AA'er on your hands for life! Please take some time out of your busy schedule to address my question and suggestions. Do you have an Alaska Air t-shirt (XL) for my son Philipé? Thanks a lot!

Landing gear is for wimps,
Dairn M Peters

Alaska Airlines Reply

August 20, 1998


Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you for your letter of June 26. We appreciate your kind remarks.

We will certainly take your suggestions into consideration. And, just to clarify, the face you see on the tail of our aircraft is actually that of an Alaskan Eskimo. He symbolizes the State of Alaska, from which Alaska Airlines first began transporting customers on our airline.

Thank you again for your kind letter.

Sincerely,


Valerie J. Svilarich
Manager, Consumer Affairs

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