Mentos Letter

June 24, 1998

Mentos Candy
Van Melle Canada Ltd
#114-3899 Steeles Ave West
Woodbridge, ON
L4L 4G9


Dear Men of Mentos (and women),

Mentos give me hiccups. I love them more than life itself, but they ALWAYS begin a prolonged attack of the most loud, annoying hiccups! Now that doesn't stop me from consuming the best treat on the planet (except maybe those soap candies from Ireland), but it bugs the heck out of everyone within earshot! Have you heard of this happening with other Mentos lovers? Is there some sort of hiccup-inducing ingredient within it's secret recipe? Do you keep any sort of consumption records, because I might eat more than any other person out there! In my average week, I probably down 2 to three boxes (36 pkgs each) of Mentos from the local Save-On-Foods bulk candy section. Is that some kind of record? This, of course, means I am hiccupping almost 24 hours a day. My wife, Sharla, has difficulty sleeping, and our dog, Rizzo, howls if he hears me. Help!

Please let me know if there is any way to stop the insanity without reducing my intake of your delicious candy. Also, I have a few new flavour suggestions for your company:

• Licorice
• Chocolate
• Lemon Meringue Pie
• Asparagus (for kids who won't eat their veggies!)
• Liver & Onions
• Niccotine (for smokers trying to quit)
• Pimento Mentos (hot!)

Thanks for taking the time to peruse my letter. I'll be looking forward to your reply in response to my questions. Thanks so very much, from a devoted Mentos fan!

People think I'm drunk (hic),

Dairn M Peters

PS How about "Womentos"?

Mentos Reply

July 28, 1998


Dear Dairn:

We appreciate hearing from our customers, especially when they express great enjoyment from our products.

Thank you for your new flavor requests. We appreciate creative ideas.

In appreciation of your interest, we have enclosed some Mentos for you to enjoy.

We hope that you will continue to be a loyal Van Melle customer.

Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Judy Hayden
Customer Service Manager

Columbia House Letter

June 5, 1998

ATTN: Pam Marshall - Membership Director
Columbia House
PO Box 63003 STN BRM B
Toronto, ON
M7Y 3B3

Dear music membership marketers,

Words cannot describe my elation at receiving your personal congratulations that I was selected to be a member of your prestigious organization. I was absolutely thrilled at the sight of my name on my very own blue and white membership card. And when I realized the deal that you were offering, I just about went berserk! "Where do I sign up?", I screamed as I ripped into your package of reading materials and unfolded the stamps showing album covers from your fine selection of music. If I had been a dog, this would have been my day! However, after poring over your personal invitation three times, my stomach knotted up really tight, and a fear grabbed at my heart that never seemed to let go. Your club seems to cater only to people with CD players!

This would not be a normal obstacle to most of your clients, but being a devout Seventh Day Mormon (a conglomerate sect), I am not allowed to entertain myself with the more modern conveniences of today. Therein lies my problem. I own numerous record players and eight-track players, and so the excitement of updating my record collection sent me soaring. But lo and behold, newfangled shiny discs prevail over older, vinyl ones. Can you help me? Do any of your selections come on LP or 45? Can you possibly have an 8-track or two in your new releases?

Or, can you please write back with some reasons for purchasing a CD player and signing up with your club right away? My business (polyester suit renewals) provides me with enough income to buy hundreds of compact disc players, and Heaven knows your personal letter is tempting enough to disregard my religion and join your worldly ranks. Please respond as soon as you can, and if possible, could you send me a Columbia House t-shirt (XL)? I'd be most grateful!

With two turntables and a microphone,

Dairn M Peters

Columbia House Reply

* NOTE: This is easily the best response I've ever received - enjoy!

June 22, 1998

Re: CDs versus LPs/8-Tracks

Dear Dairn;

Thank you for your letter of June 5, 1998.

We appreciate and rejoice in your elation due to the arrival of our offer of application and we do also share in your pain and discomfort at the lack of selections in 8-track and/or vinyl format. Unfortunately, due to the "rule of majority", demand for these forms of musical preservation have unfortunately gone the way of the dodo or (in more recent memory) the fine Pacer automobile. Take heart though, as the VW Beetle seems to have made a resurgence!

Though I am not familiar with the Seventh Day Mormon religion, I am sure if they do permit the prevailing technology of the Seventies to be utilized for your personal gratification and edification, surely you might be able to sway the decision makers of this particular religious sect. Perhaps including the following arguments may help to soften the impact of newer technology:

Unlike LPs, 45s and 8-Tracks, CDs don't produce music through the physical touching of the components, but through an incredible "laser" technology. (If you have seen "Star Trek" it is similar to their fictional "phasers" but with much less destructive force. A technology used for the greater good of man, not evil. Does your religion permit the viewing of television?)

Also, CDs carry all the music on only one side of the shiny disc, so there is no more annoying "ka-CHUNK" of an 8-Track changing channels, or the constant 20 minute trip to the turntable to lift the LP, flip it 180 degrees, clean the dust motes and continue the playing of the second side.

As well, with our wonderful CDs, you can forever kiss goodbye those aggravating hisses, pops and squeaks of a record with too much dust. CDs are also much more resistant to warping, so it's much safer to transport them in your vehicle of choice (a good feature for those remaining AMC Pacer owners - the sheer window space of this car is enough to drive one mad due to the unencumbered view of the outside world rushing past!).

As a further enticement to your religious elders (if I may be so bold), you may wish to offer them some sort of bargain on some of your fine polyester garments. I am sure you would be safe in assuming the loss would be quickly offset by the incredible bargains offered through our Music Club. I am sorry we cannot send the requested Columbia House T-shirt, though you do seem to be in the advantageous position of possibly designing something along that line yourself out of polyester!

In closing, I hope this missive answers the many questions you seem to need education on. I will take the liberty of enclosing another application in hopes that you may wax eloquent enough to bring the power and pleasures of the 90's to all the Seventh Day Mormons in Burnaby, nay, the world!

Musically (and technologically) yours,

Tobin Elliott
Supervisor, Customer Service

Coca-Cola Letter

August 16, 1995

V.P. of Coca-Cola Ltd
2450 United Blvd
Coquitlam, BC
V3K 6G2


Dear cola colossus,

I love your product! I drink more Coca-Cola (or Coke, as it will be addressed henceforth in this letter) than practically any other liquid on the face of this earth! However, I have a friend named "Lisa Tremblay" (name changed to protect the innocent) who drinks even more than me and I am afraid that she may be addicted to your beverage. She takes cans of Coke with her everywhere: to work; to school; on camping trips; she even made herself a special over-sized purse so that she could store it more efficiently and bring it on airplanes! She is always so afraid that your fine product may not be accessible at her destinations, that she even has trouble sleeping at night (unless she downs a 2 litre bottle of Coke before bed).

Anyhow, I've heard rumours that your product may be made from 100% Columbian cocaine, and I think that is why she is addicted. "Lisa" grew up in northern Quebec drinking your product from a very young age and is now, doubtlessly, putting through college the families of Coca-Cola's entire middle management team! (This is based on an average consumption rate of 74.5, 355ml cans per week) Amazingly, she is in perfect health!

My three questions for you are: (1) Does Coke have cocaine in it's ingredients, (2) if so, how can it be sold so cheaply, and (3) was I the only person on the planet to like your new improved Coke a few years ago???

I'm quite shy and almost never write letters, so I really appreciate your busy corporation taking the time to address my questions and concerns.

Always,

Dairn M Peters

PS I've been looking for a Coca-Cola cap or (XL) t-shirt for my friend, but haven't been able to locate a nice one. Do you have one that you can send for her? Thanks again!

Coca-Cola Reply

August 18, 1995


Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you for your letter, it was most enjoyable to read.

The rumours that you heard that there was 100% Columbian cocaine in the Coca-Cola formula are untrue. That substance was eliminated more than 100 years ago, when cocaine became illegal in the United States of America. Therefore, your "drug addiction concerns" for your friend can be put to rest.

In answer to your question on New Coke, you were not the only person to like it, but the total sales demand wasn't high enough, therefore, it had to be discontinued.

Again, thank you very much for your letter. We are never too busy to answer questions or concerns from our loyal customers. I have enclosed two 12 pack coupons so that you and "Lisa" can enjoy some of our great product on us as well as a Coca-Cola cap so that you may end your search.

Hopefully, I have answered all your questions, and I hope you will continue to be one of our loyal consumers "Always".

Sincerely,

T.J. Collins
Vice-President & Division Manager
Western Canada

Pepsi Letter

August 16, 1995



Pepsi-Cola Ltd
1255 Bay St.
Toronto, Ont
M5R 2A9


Dear carbonated conglomerate,

I love Pepsi! In fact all the guys in my dorm think Pepsi is the greatest (we set up an impromptu Pepsi altar of perilously balanced empties)! You may wonder why fourteen guys choose Pepsi over Coke (spew!) or any of it's competitors? One word: BURPABILITY! (Is that a word?)

Yes, we held a contest to discover which cola had the best BPC rating (Belches Per Can), and Pepsi-Cola won hands down! It was so decisive a victory that we would like to collectively offer a name change recommendation from Pepsi-Cola to "Burpsi-Cola"!

Please write back and let us know what you think. In the meantime, if you keep producing we'll keep chugging!

For a bigger and better BPC,

Dairn M Peters

PS Could you send a cool cap or t-shirt (XL) for Bob? He got Pepsi up his nose and it really stung! Thanks a lot!

Pepsi Reply

September 14, 1995



Dear Mr. Peters:

I am responding to your letter dated August 16, 1995. We at Pepsi-Cola Company wish to thank you for your interest in our company, as expressed by your desire to share your ideas with us. We are, needless to say, always keenly interested in new ideas which will further the growth of our business. Indeed, in keeping with this interest, we have many employees and independent agencies who devote their time and energies to a continuing program of improving the means by which we promote our products.

While we regularly receive many unsolicited suggestions concerning our advertising and a wide range of other subjects, experience has shown that a great many of the unsolicited ideas we receive have already been considered or used by Pepsi-Cola Company or its competitors. Also, experience has proved that the practice of considering unsolicited, submitted suggestions inevitably gives rise to misunderstandings as to the origin and ownership of the particular ideas which may be contained in such materials. Accordingly, we have found it necessary to adopt a general policy of not accepting unsolicited ideas and suggestions.

In keeping with this corporate policy, I must advise you that we cannot pursue your suggestion. Therefore, your enclosure is being returned to you, and we will not keep any copies in our files.

Thank you again for taking the time to contact Pepsi-Cola.

Very truly yours,

Kathi Bonet
Administrative Assistant
Law Department


Enclosure

PS -- Enclosed is a T-Shirt for Bob.