Columbia House Letter
June 5, 1998
ATTN: Pam Marshall - Membership Director
Columbia House
PO Box 63003 STN BRM B
Toronto, ON
M7Y 3B3
Dear music membership marketers,
Words cannot describe my elation at receiving your personal congratulations that I was selected to be a member of your prestigious organization. I was absolutely thrilled at the sight of my name on my very own blue and white membership card. And when I realized the deal that you were offering, I just about went berserk! "Where do I sign up?", I screamed as I ripped into your package of reading materials and unfolded the stamps showing album covers from your fine selection of music. If I had been a dog, this would have been my day! However, after poring over your personal invitation three times, my stomach knotted up really tight, and a fear grabbed at my heart that never seemed to let go. Your club seems to cater only to people with CD players!
This would not be a normal obstacle to most of your clients, but being a devout Seventh Day Mormon (a conglomerate sect), I am not allowed to entertain myself with the more modern conveniences of today. Therein lies my problem. I own numerous record players and eight-track players, and so the excitement of updating my record collection sent me soaring. But lo and behold, newfangled shiny discs prevail over older, vinyl ones. Can you help me? Do any of your selections come on LP or 45? Can you possibly have an 8-track or two in your new releases?
Or, can you please write back with some reasons for purchasing a CD player and signing up with your club right away? My business (polyester suit renewals) provides me with enough income to buy hundreds of compact disc players, and Heaven knows your personal letter is tempting enough to disregard my religion and join your worldly ranks. Please respond as soon as you can, and if possible, could you send me a Columbia House t-shirt (XL)? I'd be most grateful!
ATTN: Pam Marshall - Membership Director
Columbia House
PO Box 63003 STN BRM B
Toronto, ON
M7Y 3B3
Dear music membership marketers,
Words cannot describe my elation at receiving your personal congratulations that I was selected to be a member of your prestigious organization. I was absolutely thrilled at the sight of my name on my very own blue and white membership card. And when I realized the deal that you were offering, I just about went berserk! "Where do I sign up?", I screamed as I ripped into your package of reading materials and unfolded the stamps showing album covers from your fine selection of music. If I had been a dog, this would have been my day! However, after poring over your personal invitation three times, my stomach knotted up really tight, and a fear grabbed at my heart that never seemed to let go. Your club seems to cater only to people with CD players!
This would not be a normal obstacle to most of your clients, but being a devout Seventh Day Mormon (a conglomerate sect), I am not allowed to entertain myself with the more modern conveniences of today. Therein lies my problem. I own numerous record players and eight-track players, and so the excitement of updating my record collection sent me soaring. But lo and behold, newfangled shiny discs prevail over older, vinyl ones. Can you help me? Do any of your selections come on LP or 45? Can you possibly have an 8-track or two in your new releases?
Or, can you please write back with some reasons for purchasing a CD player and signing up with your club right away? My business (polyester suit renewals) provides me with enough income to buy hundreds of compact disc players, and Heaven knows your personal letter is tempting enough to disregard my religion and join your worldly ranks. Please respond as soon as you can, and if possible, could you send me a Columbia House t-shirt (XL)? I'd be most grateful!
With two turntables and a microphone,
Dairn M Peters
posted by Dairn | 11:10 AM
5 Comments:
Your letters are hillarious! I couldn't stop laughing!
I couldn't sleep tonight, so I was just meandering around the wide world of blogdom, when I came across your blog. How wonderful!
I am going to right away put a link from my blog to yours! I look forward to reading more!
You are a strange person with far, far too much time on your hands...
Which is exactly what I like about you. Cause that makes you kind of like me, actually. LOL! :D
Great letters!
I know the guy that wrote this response. I think you met your match when you wrote to Columbia House!!!
Haha, I sure did! Tell him hi for me... :-)
I remember getting this letter back when I worked at Columbia House. One of the reps I supported (whose job it was to actually answer these) came up to me, thrust this out at me and said, "how the HELL am I supposed to answer this?" I read it, laughed my ass off, and said, "Leave it with me." And while I always did my best to be professional, there were times when I just had to "let loose." This was one of those times...
Tobin Elliott
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