CFOX Letter (1)

July 24, 1997


CFOX
1006 Richards St.
Vancouver, BC
V6B 1S8


Dear radio radicals,

I almost never write letters, but today I am writing to tell you how much I enjoy your great station! I've been listening for quite a few years now, and thoroughly enjoy your song selection and talented on-air personalities (they are hilarious!). You've made a rock 'n roll believer out of this former country boy! Thanks for all the fine work you do to make my day better.

Anyhow, the main reason for my letter is to grant you the coveted "Most Inappropriate Ad Placement Of The Year Award." I just made up the category today, so you've probably never heard of it before, but consider yourselves fortunate, nonetheless, to have been chosen for such a prestigious accolade. I was driving to work this morning (I tighten the bolts on the Lions Gate Bridge) and listening to the Fox, as usual, when at 8:20am I heard an advertisement for drinking and driving. It was the Counter Attack one where it mentions how fast your heart beats when drinking, and then how is speeds up when you see a police roadside check up ahead. This by itself is nothing unusual because I had heard that ad numerous times before. However, immediately following, was an advertisement for John Labatt Classic! An alcohol ad, right after a "don't drink & drive" reminder. HELLO??? Doesn't that seem a little strange to anyone else out there? All I needed to hear next was an ad about the Vancouver Indy sponsored by Molson Canadian beer, and 'whammo', there it was! These commercials by themselves are no big deal, but put them together, back to back, side by side, and one after the other, and it sounds like hypocritical mayhem! Do you see what I mean? That is why you are this year's winner!

Of course, this is all in the name of good humour, as I don't want you to think that I'm angry or upset, just curious as to how this could have happened? This is of additional interest to me since that, once again, I am one of the local finalists to drive the pace car for the start of this year's Indy race. I just hope the listening public doesn't link driving fast cars to drinking or the CART circuit will have more than tobacco advertising to worry about.

Thanks for taking the time to read my comment. I know that you didn't mean for anything negative to come from a simple radio spot, but that's the same thing they said when writers came up with the sitcom, "Golden Girls."

The Faux Raux,

Dairn M Peters

PS Could you please coax Larry & Willy or Bill & Erin into sending an autographed photo for my daughter Leesa, and a CFOX cap for my adopted son Benny? Thanks!

CFOX Letter (2)

October 3, 1997


CFOX - Manager/President/CEO
1006 Richards St.
Vancouver, BC
V6B 1S8


Dear radio rebels,

I'm a loyal Fox listener, yet I feel like I'm being treated like a CFMI listener! Yuck! I wrote a letter to you over two months ago (71 days ago to be exact), but I have had no reply. Is this what all former Canadian Bull Riding Champions deserve? I think not! Maybe if you were aware of my tour of duty in Vietnam (head chef of "Bravo" platoon for 3 weeks) I would garner a bit more respect, but I don't think even my sacrifice for the free world (lost use of my belly button) would have an impact on your customer service policies, would it?

My first letter (copy enclosed for your perusal) posed a simple question regarding the suspect placement of a specific radio advertisement on your station one morning (on my way to work to tighten bolts on the Lion's Gate Bridge). My friend Li-Li has been trying to coax me back to the "dark side" (JR Country) since the day I told her about my letter and lack of response. I don't know if I can hold out much longer! Please take time to read my letter and mail a response. I really want to believe that you'll satisfy this long time listener and keep me from slipping back into the demonic vortex known as Country & Western.... aaaaaaauuuuughhhh!!!!!

Please accept my deepest apologies if your reply is already in the mail or if you did not receive my first letter due to our fantastic postal service. God bless.

Aldo Nova gets no respect,

Dairn M Peters

PS Is it possible to get an autographed photocopy of Larry & Willy's collective read ends for my country-crazed friend? Also an autographed picture of Bill & Erin for my daughter Leesa and a cap for my adopted son, Benny? That'd be great!

CFOX Reply

October 8, 1997


Dear Mr. Peters,
First of all, let me say sorry for not answering your first letter..... I never did receive it. Listeners are important to us and if it helps we can blame the post office.

So, that out of the way, thanks for your comments regarding the scheduling of commercials. We will try to be more careful in future, but if you think about it, there is nothing wrong with drinking Labatts beer. What is wrong is to drink and drive. The Counter Attack Program is focused on the latter, and most positionings of the public service announcement are viable. But as I said earlier we will watch for it.

Thank you for taking the time to write. And in any event don't go back to country music..... remember this is Vancouver where Rock rules.

Sincerely,

Chris Pandoff
General Manager

Heinz Pork And Beans Letter

June 26, 1996


H.J. Heinz Company of Canada Ltd
Consumer Services
Suite 2100 - 5700 Yonge St.
North York, ON
M2M 4K6

Dear bean virtuosos,

I've been enjoying your Heinz "Boston Style Beans with Pork in Molasses Sauce" for as long as I can remember. It is not only extremely enjoyable, but also a very high source of dietary fibre and iron. I'm not one to complain about anything whatsoever, but until a friend of mine (Li-Li) pointed it out, I had not noticed that there was only one piece of pork in your 398 ml (14 oz) cans of "Beans with Pork". Now I, of course, defended you immediately saying that the pork was only to enhance the flavour of the beans, but she argued that one couldn't really taste the pork flavour and that more would be better. I was speechless. She was right, more WOULD be better. Could you please answer the question that has completely boggled us since last week, "why is there only one piece of pork in your "Beans with Pork?" Could it be that you had to use Babe the pig this year and he was only big enough for a little piece in each can? ("There were no pigs harmed or hurt during the filming of this motion picture, just cut up and sparingly packed into tins of baked beans!" Ha ha!) I have included a label for your reference.

Thanks for taking the time to answer our question, it is really appreciated. Could you possibly send a Heinz cap (or "beanie") of some kind for my friend? She would love it! Thanks again.

We love your stuff!

"Mr. Bean for President"

Dairn M Peters

PS How about this for a new slogan: "Bean there, done that!" Catchy, eh?

Heinz Pork And Beans Reply

today.


Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you for bringing to our attention the problem you encountered with our Beans with Pork in Tomato Sauce. We are most interested in any comment or criticism you may have and appreciate the time you have taken to contact us.

Our Quality Control Department advises that the pork contained in this product is salt pork, obtained from pork back. The main purpose of the pork back is to impart a pork flavour to the product and we find this cut to be most effective. For the most part, the absence of lean meat can be expected. Needless to say, we are sorry for any concern and inconvenience caused. We hope that in the future our products will meet your complete expectations, and your confidence will be restored. Please accept the enclosed store vouchers which we hope you will use with full confidence towards the purchase of an Heinz product.

Sincerely yours,

H.J. HEINZ COMPANY OF CANADA LTD.

Lise Speight
Consumer Services Representative

Buffalo Sabres Letter

August 15, 1995

John Muckler - Buffalo Sabres GM
Memorial Auditorium
Buffalo, NY
14202

Dear Grand Poobah,

The Sabres have been my favourite team for my entire life and I've always wanted to write you folks since I was a young kid, but just never got around to it. Until now, that is! I'd like to congratulate you, Mr. Muckler, on your awesome deal to get rid of Alexander Mogilny (or "dead weight", as I've been calling him), and fleece the Vancouver Canucks in the process! Yes, I am from the Vancouver area, but Buffalo has been my favourite team for many reasons. Of course, Vancouver's horrendous sub-par years (14 losing seasons in a row) during the 70's and 80's are a big part of my local team's dislike. And Buffalo's consistent improvement since joining the NHL during the same year as Vancouver is another major reason for my "disloyalty", as my friends call it!

Mr. Muckler, in Mike Peca you have stolen perhaps the best bundle of untapped talent to come into the NHL since Gretzky joined the league! I've seen him in training camps and in games, and I'm convinced that he is the next great impact player for your team. Of course he will have to play behind Pat Lafontaine, but I believe that he will mature into a player that will amaze all of the other GMs and coaches in the league. You can now plan to pick-a-Peca professional titles over the next 10 years! What a steal!

This note is more than a congratulatory essay, I wonder if you would allow me to ask how the Buffalo Sabres got their name? I hope that it was not due to the senseless slaughter of buffalo by the sword! I am against the killing of any animal (except maybe those Siamese cats or yappy poodles), but since the buffalo is my favourite animal, it would just turn my stomach if your team name had a historically-cultural-slaughter-type theme. Do you know that here in Vancouver some restaurants serve buffalo wings?! Isn't that simply disgusting, to pull off those poor creatures' wings like they were insects to be toyed with? (Do buffalo have wings? They must be pretty big to get those behemoths off the ground!) Anyways, please respond to my question when you get a few spare minutes - I know that you will be busy preparing for the upcoming run at the Stanley Cup!

Thanks for taking the time to read my letter. Let's go Buff-a-lo!!

Buffalo gals are cuter,

Dairn M Peters

PS The Buffalo Bills NFL team sent me a real cool cap, maybe there's one lying around your office that you can send me for my exclusive Buffalo collection? Thanks!

Buffalo Sabres Reply

August 31, 1995


Dear Dairn:

Thank you for your letter. The team's name, The Buffalo Sabres was chosen from the 13,000 entries the club received in its team naming contest. Five different people from the Buffalo area came up with the name Sabres. Robert Sonnelitter, Jr. won a drawing of those five people for a pair of season tickets.

Thanks again for your letter and inquiry. Enclosed is a Sabres cap to add to your collection.


Sincerely,

John Muckler
General Manager

Ad-Hatters Letter

June 29, 1998

Ad-Hatters Inc.
PO Box 1726
Centennial Park, AZ
86021


Dear gimmickry wizards,

On a recent trip through your proud nation I stopped at a petrol service, I mean, gas station in Weed, CA (pop. 89,653). Upon paying at the cash register I noticed an air freshener in the shape of a cowboy boot. Remembering that my friend "Chris" (name changed to protect his integrity) has a fairly new pick-up truck with a gut-wrenchingly disgusting odour in the cab (from God only knows what), I purchased one of your many products located on the shelf with the hope of solving his problem.

Chris was pleased to receive such an excellent gift, knowing that cleaning and re-cleaning his truck had no effect on the mystery smell. Tearing open the air freshener package with fervour, Chris hung the boot around his rearview mirror. Ahh, he sighed, as the mystery stench was shrouded in the new aroma of the cowboy boot. Ahh-choo, he sneezed, as the cowboy boot fragrance filled the cab with a heavy perfume, quickly replacing all of the breathable oxygen within the truck! I watched from outside the vehicle as his smile turned to a frown and he furiously grabbed at the door handle to flee the odourous stranglehold. Chris barely escaped with his life (or at least that was the look he had on his face)! Coughing and sneezing, he aired out his truck for nearly two hours with almost no noticeable effect. we tried lighting a match, two, three, then a whole book of 'em. This perfume scent was worse than the mystery odour! Something has to be done, as it has been two weeks now and the air freshener bouquet doesn't seem to be letting up. Help! Do you have any sort of antidote for your products? Is there a way to rid oneself of the evil that is "Cowboy Boot Air Freshener?"

Please write back with any possible solutions. I told Chris that I'd go to the experts for advice. That's you. We've tried cleaning agents, other air fresheners, deodorizers, everything short of voodoo and witchcraft! Thank you for any quick response that you may be able to give us. Also, do you have any caps or t-shirts (XL) you could send? That would be great!

Smell ya later,

Dairn M Peters

Ad-Hatters Reply

July 13, 1998


Dear Mr. Peters,

I have received your letter. I understand, from what I have gathered from your letter, that the fragrance of the boot you bought your friend was not satisfactory. We are happy to know that the fragrance works as well as you say, but we are unhappy to know that it has been a source of frustration and inconvenience to you and your friend. Our suggestion is that you buy another boot air freshener in a different scent. There might be one of our different scents that you would enjoy better. I have enclosed a sampling of the scents we have available. I hope you will try a different scent. I also have a request of you that you let me know of your satisfaction or (as the case may be) dissatisfaction with a different scent. We here at Ad-Hatters Inc. appreciate any feedback we receive from our customers. This feedback helps us better serve you. We appreciate your letter and your interest in our product. If you need any additional help or information, you can contact me at (888) 428-8899.

Sincerely,


Ellie Timpson
Customer Service

PS I have also enclosed brochures of each of the products that we have available. It is possible that you would want to try one of our other air fresheners. Thank you.

Jones Soda Letter

June 27, 1998

Urban Juice and Soda Co. Ltd
1356 Frances Street
Vancouver, BC
V5L 1Y9


Dear Jones Sodajerks,

I love FU-FU BERRY!!! I tried it two weeks ago and I can't get enough of the stuff! What is the fruit flavour in it? I don't think I've ever heard of an actual fu-fu-berry. Is there such a creature? Anyhow, it's great! I even wrote a song about it (sung to the tune of "Flintstones"):

Fu-Fu, berry fu-fu, it's the drink that comes from outer space,

Boo-hoo, no more fu-fu, someone drank the last one in the place

How it, makes me want to dance and float,

When it hits the ba-ack of my throat

Fu-Fu, berry fu-fu, it's the greatest thing since "Barq's Has Bite!"

You can use that for a commercial if you want, free of charge. I also read on the bottle that you accept pictures for your future labels. Well, I don't have a camera, so I thought I'd just let my daughter (Rosetta) draw you a picture instead. Hope you like it!

* Drawing of stick figure with a gun, holding a bottle of Jones soda *

Rosetta wants to be a police sketch artist. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my letter. Could you send a cap or t-shirt (XL) for my daughter if you have one? She'd be blown away!

Tommy Lee Jones in "US Sodas",

Dairn M Peters

Jones Soda Reply

** Hand written on a Jones Soda postcard **


Dear Dairn,

Thank you for your letter. Everyone at the office had a crack at the song. No one can carry the tune! We also enjoy the picture Rosetta drew. To show our appreciation, here's a t-shirt for Rosetta.

Thanks,

Mary

National Geographic Letter

December 11, 1998

National Geographic Society
1145 17th Street NW
Washington, DC
20036-4688


Dear geography giants,

Thank you for inviting me to speak at your conference on the third weekend of March, 1999. I am overwhelmed that my theories on global warming due to unnecessary animal kingdom flatulence has come to the attention of the world stage. Please note my speaking topics for each of our four sessions together, and my list of items needed upon my arrival in DC:

• Session #1 "Am I My Monkey's Uncle?"

- Spandex bike shorts

- Juggling set (including live crab)

- Ordinary deck of cards

• Session #2 "To Fart Or Not To Fart, That Is The Question"

- Suitcase full of marbles (at least 1/3 steelies)

- Full size wall map of Paraguay (no problem for you folks, I'm sure!)

- 7 unopened packages of Silly Putty

- Vegas style deck of poker cards

• Session #3 "The Turtle: Nature's Suction Cup"

- Three 1977 American pennies (I only have Canadian)

- Dancing girls - no more than 9, no less than 4

- Jar of fresh tomato paste

- Deck of Old Maid cards

• Session #4 "Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo"

- Cans of spray paint (enough for everyone in attendance)

- 4 Star Wars action figures (works best with at least one Yoda)

- A Diners Club card

- Pack of 1989 Upper Deck baseball cards

Thank you so much for preparing for my arrival in advance, and for having someone meet me at the airport. I'll be at Dulles by 8:35am on Friday, March 19th. Please write back to confirm, as my phone was lost in the recent storm (typhoon Bertha really kicked us around up here!).

I subscribe for the pictures,

Dairn M Peters

National Geographic Reply

*** Still waiting ***

NOTE:

I have some more letters to post but I am definitely running low. If you are a first-time reader to this blog, I suggest starting at the beginning (in the archives) as many of the best letters were posted earlier.

If you are a veteran of D-MAIL, then this post is where you can let me know of suggested letters to write! If you have had a frustration or interesting experience with a particular product or company, leave me a quick note in the comments below. I may write a few more letters in the future, and if I use your suggestion, you will be somehow included in the body of work ("name changed" to protect the innocent, of course).

Keep reading. My hope is that you get a chuckle or a smile from some of my letter-writing silliness!

Dairn

PEZ Letter

May 29, 1997

Kay Pee Import-Export Co. Ltd.
1010 St. Catherines St. West
Rm. 539 Montreal, Que
H3B 1G4


Dear "Pez"imists,

I have been eating PEZ candy for many of my 27 years, and it just seems like I can never get enough! Recently, while visiting a neighbourhood grocery store, I purchased two Star Wars movie character PEZ dispensers (Darth Vader and Yoda). I was excited to see my favourite movie made into my favourite candy! Until that day, I had been exclusively using a late 70's Bugs Bunny dispenser for PEZ. Well now I eat the deliciously chalky pellets from all three dispensers! Your company is to be praised for importing the world's greatest flavoured, rectangular-shaped, hard candy. However, after all these years I have a few questions that you may be able to answer:

1) I have heard that PEZ candy is entirely sugar and calorie free, and chock full of vitamins C and E. Is this true? If so, how come I keep gaining weight while eating PEZ by the pound?

2) What does PEZ mean? Do the letters (P, E and Z) each stand for something?
(some guesses)
- Plan Everything Zodiacally?
- Personal Environment Zone?
- PREZ? (maybe the R was left out by mistake)
- Perfectly E-Z? (easy)
- Planet Earth Zapped?
- People Exercise Zippers?

3) Will there ever be new flavours like Mint, Cinnamon, Chocolate, Prune or Liver?

4) Do you have a PEZ cap or t-shirt (XL) that you could send me? I don't know if there is such apparel lying around there but I'd be proud to wear it!

Thanks so much for taking your valuable time to answer my questions. If you cannot answer, or if you have a difficult time finding a t-shirt or cap, could you please send me the PEZ company head office address? It looks like it is in Europe somewhere (Hungary or Austria). Thanks a lot! You guys are great!

Popping Every Zit,

Dairn M Peters

PEZ Reply

August 15, 1997


Dear Dairn,

We received your letter. Listed below are answers to your questions.

1) There are no vitamins added to PEZ candies and sugar has calories.

2) PEZ is an abbreviated word for peppermint in German.

3) There will not be any new flavours as you described but there is a possibility of peppermint.

4) Sorry but we do not have any PEZ apparel lying around to give you.

Yours truly,
KAY PEE IMPORT EXPORT CO. LTD.

Andrée Folliet