Heinz Pork And Beans Letter

June 26, 1996


H.J. Heinz Company of Canada Ltd
Consumer Services
Suite 2100 - 5700 Yonge St.
North York, ON
M2M 4K6

Dear bean virtuosos,

I've been enjoying your Heinz "Boston Style Beans with Pork in Molasses Sauce" for as long as I can remember. It is not only extremely enjoyable, but also a very high source of dietary fibre and iron. I'm not one to complain about anything whatsoever, but until a friend of mine (Li-Li) pointed it out, I had not noticed that there was only one piece of pork in your 398 ml (14 oz) cans of "Beans with Pork". Now I, of course, defended you immediately saying that the pork was only to enhance the flavour of the beans, but she argued that one couldn't really taste the pork flavour and that more would be better. I was speechless. She was right, more WOULD be better. Could you please answer the question that has completely boggled us since last week, "why is there only one piece of pork in your "Beans with Pork?" Could it be that you had to use Babe the pig this year and he was only big enough for a little piece in each can? ("There were no pigs harmed or hurt during the filming of this motion picture, just cut up and sparingly packed into tins of baked beans!" Ha ha!) I have included a label for your reference.

Thanks for taking the time to answer our question, it is really appreciated. Could you possibly send a Heinz cap (or "beanie") of some kind for my friend? She would love it! Thanks again.

We love your stuff!

"Mr. Bean for President"

Dairn M Peters

PS How about this for a new slogan: "Bean there, done that!" Catchy, eh?

Heinz Pork And Beans Reply

today.


Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you for bringing to our attention the problem you encountered with our Beans with Pork in Tomato Sauce. We are most interested in any comment or criticism you may have and appreciate the time you have taken to contact us.

Our Quality Control Department advises that the pork contained in this product is salt pork, obtained from pork back. The main purpose of the pork back is to impart a pork flavour to the product and we find this cut to be most effective. For the most part, the absence of lean meat can be expected. Needless to say, we are sorry for any concern and inconvenience caused. We hope that in the future our products will meet your complete expectations, and your confidence will be restored. Please accept the enclosed store vouchers which we hope you will use with full confidence towards the purchase of an Heinz product.

Sincerely yours,

H.J. HEINZ COMPANY OF CANADA LTD.

Lise Speight
Consumer Services Representative

Buffalo Sabres Letter

August 15, 1995

John Muckler - Buffalo Sabres GM
Memorial Auditorium
Buffalo, NY
14202

Dear Grand Poobah,

The Sabres have been my favourite team for my entire life and I've always wanted to write you folks since I was a young kid, but just never got around to it. Until now, that is! I'd like to congratulate you, Mr. Muckler, on your awesome deal to get rid of Alexander Mogilny (or "dead weight", as I've been calling him), and fleece the Vancouver Canucks in the process! Yes, I am from the Vancouver area, but Buffalo has been my favourite team for many reasons. Of course, Vancouver's horrendous sub-par years (14 losing seasons in a row) during the 70's and 80's are a big part of my local team's dislike. And Buffalo's consistent improvement since joining the NHL during the same year as Vancouver is another major reason for my "disloyalty", as my friends call it!

Mr. Muckler, in Mike Peca you have stolen perhaps the best bundle of untapped talent to come into the NHL since Gretzky joined the league! I've seen him in training camps and in games, and I'm convinced that he is the next great impact player for your team. Of course he will have to play behind Pat Lafontaine, but I believe that he will mature into a player that will amaze all of the other GMs and coaches in the league. You can now plan to pick-a-Peca professional titles over the next 10 years! What a steal!

This note is more than a congratulatory essay, I wonder if you would allow me to ask how the Buffalo Sabres got their name? I hope that it was not due to the senseless slaughter of buffalo by the sword! I am against the killing of any animal (except maybe those Siamese cats or yappy poodles), but since the buffalo is my favourite animal, it would just turn my stomach if your team name had a historically-cultural-slaughter-type theme. Do you know that here in Vancouver some restaurants serve buffalo wings?! Isn't that simply disgusting, to pull off those poor creatures' wings like they were insects to be toyed with? (Do buffalo have wings? They must be pretty big to get those behemoths off the ground!) Anyways, please respond to my question when you get a few spare minutes - I know that you will be busy preparing for the upcoming run at the Stanley Cup!

Thanks for taking the time to read my letter. Let's go Buff-a-lo!!

Buffalo gals are cuter,

Dairn M Peters

PS The Buffalo Bills NFL team sent me a real cool cap, maybe there's one lying around your office that you can send me for my exclusive Buffalo collection? Thanks!

Buffalo Sabres Reply

August 31, 1995


Dear Dairn:

Thank you for your letter. The team's name, The Buffalo Sabres was chosen from the 13,000 entries the club received in its team naming contest. Five different people from the Buffalo area came up with the name Sabres. Robert Sonnelitter, Jr. won a drawing of those five people for a pair of season tickets.

Thanks again for your letter and inquiry. Enclosed is a Sabres cap to add to your collection.


Sincerely,

John Muckler
General Manager

Ad-Hatters Letter

June 29, 1998

Ad-Hatters Inc.
PO Box 1726
Centennial Park, AZ
86021


Dear gimmickry wizards,

On a recent trip through your proud nation I stopped at a petrol service, I mean, gas station in Weed, CA (pop. 89,653). Upon paying at the cash register I noticed an air freshener in the shape of a cowboy boot. Remembering that my friend "Chris" (name changed to protect his integrity) has a fairly new pick-up truck with a gut-wrenchingly disgusting odour in the cab (from God only knows what), I purchased one of your many products located on the shelf with the hope of solving his problem.

Chris was pleased to receive such an excellent gift, knowing that cleaning and re-cleaning his truck had no effect on the mystery smell. Tearing open the air freshener package with fervour, Chris hung the boot around his rearview mirror. Ahh, he sighed, as the mystery stench was shrouded in the new aroma of the cowboy boot. Ahh-choo, he sneezed, as the cowboy boot fragrance filled the cab with a heavy perfume, quickly replacing all of the breathable oxygen within the truck! I watched from outside the vehicle as his smile turned to a frown and he furiously grabbed at the door handle to flee the odourous stranglehold. Chris barely escaped with his life (or at least that was the look he had on his face)! Coughing and sneezing, he aired out his truck for nearly two hours with almost no noticeable effect. we tried lighting a match, two, three, then a whole book of 'em. This perfume scent was worse than the mystery odour! Something has to be done, as it has been two weeks now and the air freshener bouquet doesn't seem to be letting up. Help! Do you have any sort of antidote for your products? Is there a way to rid oneself of the evil that is "Cowboy Boot Air Freshener?"

Please write back with any possible solutions. I told Chris that I'd go to the experts for advice. That's you. We've tried cleaning agents, other air fresheners, deodorizers, everything short of voodoo and witchcraft! Thank you for any quick response that you may be able to give us. Also, do you have any caps or t-shirts (XL) you could send? That would be great!

Smell ya later,

Dairn M Peters

Ad-Hatters Reply

July 13, 1998


Dear Mr. Peters,

I have received your letter. I understand, from what I have gathered from your letter, that the fragrance of the boot you bought your friend was not satisfactory. We are happy to know that the fragrance works as well as you say, but we are unhappy to know that it has been a source of frustration and inconvenience to you and your friend. Our suggestion is that you buy another boot air freshener in a different scent. There might be one of our different scents that you would enjoy better. I have enclosed a sampling of the scents we have available. I hope you will try a different scent. I also have a request of you that you let me know of your satisfaction or (as the case may be) dissatisfaction with a different scent. We here at Ad-Hatters Inc. appreciate any feedback we receive from our customers. This feedback helps us better serve you. We appreciate your letter and your interest in our product. If you need any additional help or information, you can contact me at (888) 428-8899.

Sincerely,


Ellie Timpson
Customer Service

PS I have also enclosed brochures of each of the products that we have available. It is possible that you would want to try one of our other air fresheners. Thank you.