D mail

CFOX Letter (1)

2006-02-21T10:39:00.000-08:00

July 24, 1997

CFOX
1006 Richards St.
Vancouver, BC
V6B 1S8

Dear radio radicals,

I almost never write letters, but today I am writing to tell you how much I enjoy your great station! I've been listening for quite a few years now, and thoroughly enjoy your song selection and talented on-air personalities (they are hilarious!). You've made a rock 'n roll believer out of this former country boy! Thanks for all the fine work you do to make my day better.

Anyhow, the main reason for my letter is to grant you the coveted "Most Inappropriate Ad Placement Of The Year Award." I just made up the category today, so you've probably never heard of it before, but consider yourselves fortunate, nonetheless, to have been chosen for such a prestigious accolade. I was driving to work this morning (I tighten the bolts on the Lions Gate Bridge) and listening to the Fox, as usual, when at 8:20am I heard an advertisement for drinking and driving. It was the Counter Attack one where it mentions how fast your heart beats when drinking, and then how is speeds up when you see a police roadside check up ahead. This by itself is nothing unusual because I had heard that ad numerous times before. However, immediately following, was an advertisement for John Labatt Classic! An alcohol ad, right after a "don't drink & drive" reminder. HELLO??? Doesn't that seem a little strange to anyone else out there? All I needed to hear next was an ad about the Vancouver Indy sponsored by Molson Canadian beer, and 'whammo', there it was! These commercials by themselves are no big deal, but put them together, back to back, side by side, and one after the other, and it sounds like hypocritical mayhem! Do you see what I mean? That is why you are this year's winner!

Of course, this is all in the name of good humour, as I don't want you to think that I'm angry or upset, just curious as to how this could have happened? This is of additional interest to me since that, once again, I am one of the local finalists to drive the pace car for the start of this year's Indy race. I just hope the listening public doesn't link driving fast cars to drinking or the CART circuit will have more than tobacco advertising to worry about.

Thanks for taking the time to read my comment. I know that you didn't mean for anything negative to come from a simple radio spot, but that's the same thing they said when writers came up with the sitcom, "Golden Girls."

The Faux Raux,

Dairn M Peters

PS Could you please coax Larry & Willy or Bill & Erin into sending an autographed photo for my daughter Leesa, and a CFOX cap for my adopted son Benny? Thanks!

CFOX Letter (2)

2006-02-21T10:21:00.000-08:00

October 3, 1997

CFOX - Manager/President/CEO
1006 Richards St.
Vancouver, BC
V6B 1S8

Dear radio rebels,

I'm a loyal Fox listener, yet I feel like I'm being treated like a CFMI listener! Yuck! I wrote a letter to you over two months ago (71 days ago to be exact), but I have had no reply. Is this what all former Canadian Bull Riding Champions deserve? I think not! Maybe if you were aware of my tour of duty in Vietnam (head chef of "Bravo" platoon for 3 weeks) I would garner a bit more respect, but I don't think even my sacrifice for the free world (lost use of my belly button) would have an impact on your customer service policies, would it?

My first letter (copy enclosed for your perusal) posed a simple question regarding the suspect placement of a specific radio advertisement on your station one morning (on my way to work to tighten bolts on the Lion's Gate Bridge). My friend Li-Li has been trying to coax me back to the "dark side" (JR Country) since the day I told her about my letter and lack of response. I don't know if I can hold out much longer! Please take time to read my letter and mail a response. I really want to believe that you'll satisfy this long time listener and keep me from slipping back into the demonic vortex known as Country & Western.... aaaaaaauuuuughhhh!!!!!

Please accept my deepest apologies if your reply is already in the mail or if you did not receive my first letter due to our fantastic postal service. God bless.

Aldo Nova gets no respect,

Dairn M Peters

PS Is it possible to get an autographed photocopy of Larry & Willy's collective read ends for my country-crazed friend? Also an autographed picture of Bill & Erin for my daughter Leesa and a cap for my adopted son, Benny? That'd be great!

CFOX Reply

2006-02-21T10:16:00.000-08:00

October 8, 1997

Dear Mr. Peters,
First of all, let me say sorry for not answering your first letter..... I never did receive it. Listeners are important to us and if it helps we can blame the post office.

So, that out of the way, thanks for your comments regarding the scheduling of commercials. We will try to be more careful in future, but if you think about it, there is nothing wrong with drinking Labatts beer. What is wrong is to drink and drive. The Counter Attack Program is focused on the latter, and most positionings of the public service announcement are viable. But as I said earlier we will watch for it.

Thank you for taking the time to write. And in any event don't go back to country music..... remember this is Vancouver where Rock rules.

Sincerely,

Chris Pandoff
General Manager

Heinz Pork And Beans Letter

2006-01-31T12:01:00.000-08:00

June 26, 1996

H.J. Heinz Company of Canada Ltd
Consumer Services
Suite 2100 - 5700 Yonge St.
North York, ON
M2M 4K6

Dear bean virtuosos,

I've been enjoying your Heinz "Boston Style Beans with Pork in Molasses Sauce" for as long as I can remember. It is not only extremely enjoyable, but also a very high source of dietary fibre and iron. I'm not one to complain about anything whatsoever, but until a friend of mine (Li-Li) pointed it out, I had not noticed that there was only one piece of pork in your 398 ml (14 oz) cans of "Beans with Pork". Now I, of course, defended you immediately saying that the pork was only to enhance the flavour of the beans, but she argued that one couldn't really taste the pork flavour and that more would be better. I was speechless. She was right, more WOULD be better. Could you please answer the question that has completely boggled us since last week, "why is there only one piece of pork in your "Beans with Pork?" Could it be that you had to use Babe the pig this year and he was only big enough for a little piece in each can? ("There were no pigs harmed or hurt during the filming of this motion picture, just cut up and sparingly packed into tins of baked beans!" Ha ha!) I have included a label for your reference.

Thanks for taking the time to answer our question, it is really appreciated. Could you possibly send a Heinz cap (or "beanie") of some kind for my friend? She would love it! Thanks again.

We love your stuff!

"Mr. Bean for President"

Dairn M Peters

PS How about this for a new slogan: "Bean there, done that!" Catchy, eh?

Heinz Pork And Beans Reply

2006-01-31T11:48:00.000-08:00

today.

Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you for bringing to our attention the problem you encountered with our Beans with Pork in Tomato Sauce. We are most interested in any comment or criticism you may have and appreciate the time you have taken to contact us.

Our Quality Control Department advises that the pork contained in this product is salt pork, obtained from pork back. The main purpose of the pork back is to impart a pork flavour to the product and we find this cut to be most effective. For the most part, the absence of lean meat can be expected. Needless to say, we are sorry for any concern and inconvenience caused. We hope that in the future our products will meet your complete expectations, and your confidence will be restored. Please accept the enclosed store vouchers which we hope you will use with full confidence towards the purchase of an Heinz product.

Sincerely yours,

H.J. HEINZ COMPANY OF CANADA LTD.

Lise Speight
Consumer Services Representative

Buffalo Sabres Letter

2006-01-21T23:02:00.000-08:00

August 15, 1995

John Muckler - Buffalo Sabres GM
Memorial Auditorium
Buffalo, NY
14202

Dear Grand Poobah,

The Sabres have been my favourite team for my entire life and I've always wanted to write you folks since I was a young kid, but just never got around to it. Until now, that is! I'd like to congratulate you, Mr. Muckler, on your awesome deal to get rid of Alexander Mogilny (or "dead weight", as I've been calling him), and fleece the Vancouver Canucks in the process! Yes, I am from the Vancouver area, but Buffalo has been my favourite team for many reasons. Of course, Vancouver's horrendous sub-par years (14 losing seasons in a row) during the 70's and 80's are a big part of my local team's dislike. And Buffalo's consistent improvement since joining the NHL during the same year as Vancouver is another major reason for my "disloyalty", as my friends call it!

Mr. Muckler, in Mike Peca you have stolen perhaps the best bundle of untapped talent to come into the NHL since Gretzky joined the league! I've seen him in training camps and in games, and I'm convinced that he is the next great impact player for your team. Of course he will have to play behind Pat Lafontaine, but I believe that he will mature into a player that will amaze all of the other GMs and coaches in the league. You can now plan to pick-a-Peca professional titles over the next 10 years! What a steal!

This note is more than a congratulatory essay, I wonder if you would allow me to ask how the Buffalo Sabres got their name? I hope that it was not due to the senseless slaughter of buffalo by the sword! I am against the killing of any animal (except maybe those Siamese cats or yappy poodles), but since the buffalo is my favourite animal, it would just turn my stomach if your team name had a historically-cultural-slaughter-type theme. Do you know that here in Vancouver some restaurants serve buffalo wings?! Isn't that simply disgusting, to pull off those poor creatures' wings like they were insects to be toyed with? (Do buffalo have wings? They must be pretty big to get those behemoths off the ground!) Anyways, please respond to my question when you get a few spare minutes - I know that you will be busy preparing for the upcoming run at the Stanley Cup!

Thanks for taking the time to read my letter. Let's go Buff-a-lo!!

Buffalo gals are cuter,

Dairn M Peters

PS The Buffalo Bills NFL team sent me a real cool cap, maybe there's one lying around your office that you can send me for my exclusive Buffalo collection? Thanks!

Buffalo Sabres Reply

2006-01-21T22:58:00.000-08:00

August 31, 1995

Dear Dairn:

Thank you for your letter. The team's name, The Buffalo Sabres was chosen from the 13,000 entries the club received in its team naming contest. Five different people from the Buffalo area came up with the name Sabres. Robert Sonnelitter, Jr. won a drawing of those five people for a pair of season tickets.

Thanks again for your letter and inquiry. Enclosed is a Sabres cap to add to your collection.

Sincerely,

John Muckler
General Manager

Ad-Hatters Letter

2006-01-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

June 29, 1998

Ad-Hatters Inc.
PO Box 1726
Centennial Park, AZ
86021

Dear gimmickry wizards,

On a recent trip through your proud nation I stopped at a petrol service, I mean, gas station in Weed, CA (pop. 89,653). Upon paying at the cash register I noticed an air freshener in the shape of a cowboy boot. Remembering that my friend "Chris" (name changed to protect his integrity) has a fairly new pick-up truck with a gut-wrenchingly disgusting odour in the cab (from God only knows what), I purchased one of your many products located on the shelf with the hope of solving his problem.

Chris was pleased to receive such an excellent gift, knowing that cleaning and re-cleaning his truck had no effect on the mystery smell. Tearing open the air freshener package with fervour, Chris hung the boot around his rearview mirror. Ahh, he sighed, as the mystery stench was shrouded in the new aroma of the cowboy boot. Ahh-choo, he sneezed, as the cowboy boot fragrance filled the cab with a heavy perfume, quickly replacing all of the breathable oxygen within the truck! I watched from outside the vehicle as his smile turned to a frown and he furiously grabbed at the door handle to flee the odourous stranglehold. Chris barely escaped with his life (or at least that was the look he had on his face)! Coughing and sneezing, he aired out his truck for nearly two hours with almost no noticeable effect. we tried lighting a match, two, three, then a whole book of 'em. This perfume scent was worse than the mystery odour! Something has to be done, as it has been two weeks now and the air freshener bouquet doesn't seem to be letting up. Help! Do you have any sort of antidote for your products? Is there a way to rid oneself of the evil that is "Cowboy Boot Air Freshener?"

Please write back with any possible solutions. I told Chris that I'd go to the experts for advice. That's you. We've tried cleaning agents, other air fresheners, deodorizers, everything short of voodoo and witchcraft! Thank you for any quick response that you may be able to give us. Also, do you have any caps or t-shirts (XL) you could send? That would be great!

Smell ya later,

Dairn M Peters

Ad-Hatters Reply

2006-01-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

July 13, 1998

Dear Mr. Peters,

I have received your letter. I understand, from what I have gathered from your letter, that the fragrance of the boot you bought your friend was not satisfactory. We are happy to know that the fragrance works as well as you say, but we are unhappy to know that it has been a source of frustration and inconvenience to you and your friend. Our suggestion is that you buy another boot air freshener in a different scent. There might be one of our different scents that you would enjoy better. I have enclosed a sampling of the scents we have available. I hope you will try a different scent. I also have a request of you that you let me know of your satisfaction or (as the case may be) dissatisfaction with a different scent. We here at Ad-Hatters Inc. appreciate any feedback we receive from our customers. This feedback helps us better serve you. We appreciate your letter and your interest in our product. If you need any additional help or information, you can contact me at (888) 428-8899.

Sincerely,

Ellie Timpson
Customer Service

PS I have also enclosed brochures of each of the products that we have available. It is possible that you would want to try one of our other air fresheners. Thank you.

Jones Soda Letter

2005-12-17T14:43:00.000-08:00

June 27, 1998

Urban Juice and Soda Co. Ltd
1356 Frances Street
Vancouver, BC
V5L 1Y9

Dear Jones Sodajerks,

I love FU-FU BERRY!!! I tried it two weeks ago and I can't get enough of the stuff! What is the fruit flavour in it? I don't think I've ever heard of an actual fu-fu-berry. Is there such a creature? Anyhow, it's great! I even wrote a song about it (sung to the tune of "Flintstones"):

Fu-Fu, berry fu-fu, it's the drink that comes from outer space,

Boo-hoo, no more fu-fu, someone drank the last one in the place

How it, makes me want to dance and float,

When it hits the ba-ack of my throat

Fu-Fu, berry fu-fu, it's the greatest thing since "Barq's Has Bite!"

You can use that for a commercial if you want, free of charge. I also read on the bottle that you accept pictures for your future labels. Well, I don't have a camera, so I thought I'd just let my daughter (Rosetta) draw you a picture instead. Hope you like it!

* Drawing of stick figure with a gun, holding a bottle of Jones soda *

Rosetta wants to be a police sketch artist. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my letter. Could you send a cap or t-shirt (XL) for my daughter if you have one? She'd be blown away!

Tommy Lee Jones in "US Sodas",

Dairn M Peters

Jones Soda Reply

2005-12-17T14:40:00.000-08:00

** Hand written on a Jones Soda postcard **

Dear Dairn,

Thank you for your letter. Everyone at the office had a crack at the song. No one can carry the tune! We also enjoy the picture Rosetta drew. To show our appreciation, here's a t-shirt for Rosetta.

Thanks,

Mary

National Geographic Letter

2005-12-06T08:03:00.000-08:00

December 11, 1998

National Geographic Society
1145 17th Street NW
Washington, DC
20036-4688

Dear geography giants,

Thank you for inviting me to speak at your conference on the third weekend of March, 1999. I am overwhelmed that my theories on global warming due to unnecessary animal kingdom flatulence has come to the attention of the world stage. Please note my speaking topics for each of our four sessions together, and my list of items needed upon my arrival in DC:

Session #1 "Am I My Monkey's Uncle?"

- Spandex bike shorts

- Juggling set (including live crab)

- Ordinary deck of cards

Session #2 "To Fart Or Not To Fart, That Is The Question"

- Suitcase full of marbles (at least 1/3 steelies)

- Full size wall map of Paraguay (no problem for you folks, I'm sure!)

- 7 unopened packages of Silly Putty

- Vegas style deck of poker cards

Session #3 "The Turtle: Nature's Suction Cup"

- Three 1977 American pennies (I only have Canadian)

- Dancing girls - no more than 9, no less than 4

- Jar of fresh tomato paste

- Deck of Old Maid cards

Session #4 "Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo"

- Cans of spray paint (enough for everyone in attendance)

- 4 Star Wars action figures (works best with at least one Yoda)

- A Diners Club card

- Pack of 1989 Upper Deck baseball cards

Thank you so much for preparing for my arrival in advance, and for having someone meet me at the airport. I'll be at Dulles by 8:35am on Friday, March 19th. Please write back to confirm, as my phone was lost in the recent storm (typhoon Bertha really kicked us around up here!).

I subscribe for the pictures,

Dairn M Peters

National Geographic Reply

2005-12-06T08:02:00.000-08:00

*** Still waiting ***

NOTE:

2005-12-06T07:50:00.001-08:00

I have some more letters to post but I am definitely running low. If you are a first-time reader to this blog, I suggest starting at the beginning (in the archives) as many of the best letters were posted earlier.

If you are a veteran of D-MAIL, then this post is where you can let me know of suggested letters to write! If you have had a frustration or interesting experience with a particular product or company, leave me a quick note in the comments below. I may write a few more letters in the future, and if I use your suggestion, you will be somehow included in the body of work ("name changed" to protect the innocent, of course).

Keep reading. My hope is that you get a chuckle or a smile from some of my letter-writing silliness!

Dairn

PEZ Letter

2005-11-18T21:23:00.000-08:00

May 29, 1997

Kay Pee Import-Export Co. Ltd.
1010 St. Catherines St. West
Rm. 539 Montreal, Que
H3B 1G4

Dear "Pez"imists,

I have been eating PEZ candy for many of my 27 years, and it just seems like I can never get enough! Recently, while visiting a neighbourhood grocery store, I purchased two Star Wars movie character PEZ dispensers (Darth Vader and Yoda). I was excited to see my favourite movie made into my favourite candy! Until that day, I had been exclusively using a late 70's Bugs Bunny dispenser for PEZ. Well now I eat the deliciously chalky pellets from all three dispensers! Your company is to be praised for importing the world's greatest flavoured, rectangular-shaped, hard candy. However, after all these years I have a few questions that you may be able to answer:

1) I have heard that PEZ candy is entirely sugar and calorie free, and chock full of vitamins C and E. Is this true? If so, how come I keep gaining weight while eating PEZ by the pound?

2) What does PEZ mean? Do the letters (P, E and Z) each stand for something?
(some guesses)
- Plan Everything Zodiacally?
- Personal Environment Zone?
- PREZ? (maybe the R was left out by mistake)
- Perfectly E-Z? (easy)
- Planet Earth Zapped?
- People Exercise Zippers?

3) Will there ever be new flavours like Mint, Cinnamon, Chocolate, Prune or Liver?

4) Do you have a PEZ cap or t-shirt (XL) that you could send me? I don't know if there is such apparel lying around there but I'd be proud to wear it!

Thanks so much for taking your valuable time to answer my questions. If you cannot answer, or if you have a difficult time finding a t-shirt or cap, could you please send me the PEZ company head office address? It looks like it is in Europe somewhere (Hungary or Austria). Thanks a lot! You guys are great!

Popping Every Zit,

Dairn M Peters

PEZ Reply

2005-11-18T21:19:00.000-08:00

August 15, 1997

Dear Dairn,

We received your letter. Listed below are answers to your questions.

1) There are no vitamins added to PEZ candies and sugar has calories.

2) PEZ is an abbreviated word for peppermint in German.

3) There will not be any new flavours as you described but there is a possibility of peppermint.

4) Sorry but we do not have any PEZ apparel lying around to give you.

Yours truly,
KAY PEE IMPORT EXPORT CO. LTD.

Andrée Folliet

Tootsie Roll Letter

2005-11-08T19:25:00.000-08:00

October 9, 1996

Tootsie Roll Industries
Chicago, Illinois
USA
60629

Dear Tootsie Titans,

I have been enjoying your chocolate Tootsie Rolls for many years and plan on relishing them for many years to come. In fact, Tootsie Rolls are my favourite candy, bar none! If it wasn't for my co-worker, Dick, and his obsession for your fine product, I would probably be your biggest fan in the world!

Dick and I are testers for a major light bulb manufacturer in Canada. We screw bulbs into tester sockets, flip a switch, and then unscrew the bulbs (possibly the MOST BORING job on the planet!). In the bright (and then dark... bright, then dark) confines of the testing area, our throats can get quite dry and hoarse, so we chew on Tootsie Rolls to keep our taste buds occupied. Dick, however, goes through twice as many Tootsie treats as I do in a given shift, popping them into his mouth faster than I can say, "Bob's your uncle!" But here's the kicker: I gain weight by the ton eating your product, while Dick is the picture of perfect health (and I exercise every day, while he sits on the couch and watches Oprah reruns)! Is this fair??? No, darn it!

Anyways, my question for you would be, is there anything addictive in your Tootsie Rolls? I've looked at your ingredients on the wrapper and it all seems pretty normal to me, but the way we go through your product (we purchase in bulk), I think we may be "Tootsie Roll dependent." Can you tell me if there are any secret addictive ingredients (cocaine, nicotine, cod liver oil supplements)? Thanks for taking the time to respond to my question. Dick will be really excited to hear your reply! Is it possible to send me a Tootsie Roll cap for my collection? That'd be great!

Future Tootsie Roll Fan Club President,

Dairn M Peters

Tootsie Roll Reply

2005-11-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

November 13, 1996

Dear Dairn:

Thank you for your letter. We appreciate when our consumers take time to address us with their questions and concerns.

We also appreciate the interest that you have in our company and our products, and so we are pleased to be able to tell you that we now have a catalogue of Tootsie Roll products available. Please call 1-800-554-4772 to receive your copy. We hope you will enjoy it.

Thanks again for writing.

Sincerely,

TOOTSIE ROLL INDUSTRIES INC.

Janet M. Vasilenko
Consumer Relations
Administrator

PETA Letter

2005-10-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

March 1, 2001

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
501 Front Street
Norfolk, VA
23510
USA

Dear Peta-philes,

Thank you so much for all you do in your international fight for animal rights! You truly are my real life heroes! I live in a 2 bedroom apartment and own 8 dogs, 3 horses, 6 budgies, 4 geckos, 1 turtle, 17 bunnies (oops, now 18!), and numerous fish. The dogs are black and white border collies that look very similar because I have to take them out two at a time (I can only legally have 2 small pets in my apartment building - shhh!), and the horses are at my uncle's ranch. A scary hamster incident in the hallway 18 months ago almost ruined everything, but the landlord is practically deaf, so I haven't been caught yet.

Anyways, the reason for my letter is to seek absolution. You see, 10 days ago - Saturday, Feb 17th - I accidentally, inadvertently stepped on a Daddy Long-Legs spider while on a walk with Shelby and Bob Barker (two of my wonderful canines). I saw the little critter at the last second, but my leg, now on it's downward footfall, was unable to avoid the squishing impact. It was crushed and so was I!

I have been an ardent animal supporter ever since a truck ran over my puppy (Rascal) when I was 8 years old. And I have been ever so careful to avoid tragic loss like the spider for the last 22 years. Since the incident, I have been unable to sleep. I even tried to gently revive the little guy by straightening out his legs and blowing softly on his mangled furry bodice. The recovery seems hopeless (although he is now safely tucked away in my freezer for future attempts, if the technology ever exists - kind of a cryogenic sleep, so to speak).

My main question for you is this: Can you ever forgive me? Please find it in your heart to absolve me of this heinous act, and take note of my remorseful and repentant attitude. I did not mean to rid the earth of one of Mother Nature's great creatures, and I now beg your forgiveness. I have been unable to find a local animal "priest" who may help me with my situation (there is a sorry lack of animal compassion in Canada, I must admit). Please respond to my plea as soon as you are able. Until I am exonerated by your higher authority, I will be haunted by the "squish" of Mr. Lanky (the name I have bestowed on the dearly departed).

Also, do you have an XL t-shirt I could give to my sister-in-law? She is an animal lover as well. Thanks for your most serious attention to this matter, I'm indebted to you.

No more chicken pitas for me,

Dairn M Peters

PETA Reply

2005-10-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

May 20, 2001

Dear Dairn,

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. I apologize for the delay in responding. I have enclosed our brochure on finding the right home for your companion animals in case your landlord discovers your menagerie and demands that you reduce their numbers. You might also want to consider seeking a different apartment or house with a landlord who will allow you to legally live with so many animals. A successful strategy is to compile a list of references of individuals who can vouch for your animals and your responsibility, which you can give to a prospective landlord. You might want to contact the Doris Day Animal League at 202-546-1761 or the Denver Dumb Friends League at 303-233-7387 for tips on finding and apartment that will permit your companion animals.

Stepping on the spider was an accident, as you noted. There is no need for you to seek absolution from PETA. It's good to know that you're a friend not only to "cute and cuddly" animals, but to spiders and other insects as well. The animals are truly lucky to have you as a friend, and we value your support.

Keep up the good work on behalf of the animals.

Sincerely,

Liz Welsh
Correspondent

GAP Letter

2005-10-13T10:20:00.000-07:00

November 19, 1996

Londonderry GAP
West Regional Office
137 - 66 St.
Edmonton, AB
T5C 3C8

Dear clothing kings,

I alomost never write letters to anyone, especially worldwide outlet stores, but a friend of mine prompted me to send you a note. She (Patty) does ALL of her shopping at your GAP stores here in the Vancouver area. She loves your products and CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THEM! Patty has probably purchased enough clothing to put all of the children of the GAP's middle management team through college (to become great future GAP managers, no doubt)! She is such an expert on your merchandise that she can look at a perfect stranger, tell me what his sizes are and what he would look good wearing, and then give me the total cost of a new GAP wardrobe in a matter of seconds - including taxes!!! It's uncanny! Everyone who works here at the senior's home loves the GAP!

Well, yesterday I asked Patty what "GAP" stood for? And she went completely blank. My question stumped her, so we asked around, and here are some of the answers we received:

- Girls Are Pretty?
- Good All-round Pants?
- Goofy And Pluto?
- Gals And Pals?
- Guarantees Are Par-for-the-course?
- Guaranteed Anti-Plaid?
- Something to do with the Gap Theory?
- It was orginally "Garp" but the sign maker left out the "r" by mistake?
- Guys Are Poopy? (a bitter, relationship-starved woman, no doubt)

Are we close on any of these? Patty and I would really appreciate any response you could send in regards to "what does GAP mean?" My personal opinion is that it has something to do with the space between David Letterman's teeth!

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my question. Is it possible to send a nice GAP cap to me, and maybe a t-shirt (XL) for Patty? We would be proud to promote your company and bridge the "gap" between those who buy your merchandise and those who only think about it!

Gapping my plugs,

Dairn M Peters

GAP Reply

2005-10-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

December 1st, 1996

Dear Dairn,

Thank you very much for your creative letter regarding The GAP. I have enclosed a brief history of The GAP which will hopefully answer all the questions both you and your friend Patty may have.

It is nice to receive correspondence from such loyal customers and I have gladly enclosed two GAP baseball caps for both you and Patty.

Happy Holidays!

Katie Macdonald
Regional Manager

Pacific Trading Cards Letter

2005-10-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

February 10, 1999

Pacific Trading Cards Inc
18424 Highway 99
Lynnwood, WA
98037

Dear card company colossus,

Please help me. I have a math problem. If two trains, loaded with highly prized Pacific Card products, leave Chicago and Seattle at the exact same time, on the exact same track, heading exactly towards each other, for how much would I have to mortgage my home in order to collect enough freaking points to get diddly-squat in your wonderful "Collector Rewards Program"?!?!?!?! (Please tell me you catch a hint of sarcasm)

I know that my math metaphor leaves something to be desired, but please hear me out. My local card dealer gave me one of your collector reward catalogues (#1), and needless to say I was drooling over the prospect of getting some valuable, rare, "not-sold-in-stores" Pacific collectibles. When I got home, the laser cut "In The Cage" series of baseball and hockey cards caught my eye. Wow! They are some fine looking pieces of cardboard. Then I saw "only 60,000 Pacific points" (plus 300 shipping and handling). That's not so bad, each package of Pacific cards must be worth close to 500 or 1000, I thought to myself. Brain freeze! My 10 packs of cards each said "2 Points" in the corner. Must be a mistake! I took out my calculator and figured out that I would need 30,000 packs of Pacific hockey cards. At $2 per package (a very conservative estimate, I might add), I'd only need $60,000 to fetch my coveted laser-etched 20 card set. Were they made on the moon??? Do they have gold from Bill Gates' teeth??? Are they made from the diamonds on Michael Jackson's glove???

Please answer my question: WHO ON EARTH CAN AFFORD YOUR REWARDS???

Otherwise, keep up the great work.

You gotta know when to hold 'em,

Dairn M Peters

Pacific Trading Cards Reply

2005-10-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

*****

Still waiting....

*****

Nabob Letter (1)

2005-10-07T16:56:00.000-07:00

October 6, 1995

Gerry Steele
Nabob Coffee Co
3131 Lake City Way
Burnaby, BC V5A 3A3

Dear perk-a-lator professionals,

I must confess right off the top that I am not a coffee drinker. I apologize for not supporting your company in a financial manner, but I can't bear to be involved the the slaughter of millions of coffee beans each year. (Just kidding, I'm not a vegetarian or anything like that!) The reason for my letter is to compliment you on your thoroughly addicting product. You see, my friend Douggie drinks approximately 12 cups of your coffee each day (even more on weekends), for a weekly total of 96 cups. That's around 34 litres each week! He buys your fine ground coffee in bulk at Costco, and yet he's in fantastic shape (no yelly-jelly, java belly if you know what I mean)! His wife pleads with him to cut down, but even she admits he's in the best shape of his life, and he keeps drinking more!

Anyways, I have a question for you. His addiction leads me to ask if your coffee is laced with cocaine in any way? I mean, it does come from Columbia right? By the way, how's Juan Valdez doing? I hope he's being paid well considering every bean is handpicked by him. Also, that poor donkey of his, having to pack millions of beans out of the jungle each year. Have some compassion and upgrade Juan's technology a bit! Maybe a helicopter, or at least a side-kick named Pedro. What do you think? I was also wondering if Juan Valdez is in any way related to the Exxon Valdez oil tanker disaster a few years back? If so, I may have to continue my boycott of coffee and not start drinking it any time soon! But Douggie will never stop chugging your brown liquidy stuff. He's a diehard! By the way, do you have a cool Nabob cap and t-shirt (XXL) lying around that you could send to me? I know Douggie would just love it! Thanks a lot!

Mr. Steele, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my questions and comments. Also, thanks again for checking into the shirt and cap thing!

Does Bob truly "neigh" or just whinny?

Dairn M Peters

Nabob Letter (2)

2005-10-07T16:45:00.000-07:00

April 26, 1996

Nabob Coffee Co
Customer Service
3131 Lake City Way
Burnaby, BC V5A 3A3

Dear coffee connoisseurs,

I wrote to you on October 6, 1995, but have heard no response from your company. My original letter was addressed to Gerry Steele, but maybe he doesn't work there any longer. I am assuming that you did not receive my previous correspondence (copy enclosed), because a habitual six month delay in customer response time would probably put your business out of... well, business.

My questions were fairly simple: 1) My friend seems addicted to your coffee product - is there any cocaine in your Columbian coffee? 2) How is Juan Valdez doing? 3) Would it be possible to send a Nabob cap and t-shirt (XL) for Douggie and myself? When I wrote last time I was not a coffee drinker at all. There was, of course, pressure from my friend to start, so I began to experiment with different ways to consume your black, liquidy product. First I would pour exhorbitant amounts of sweeteners and cream into the coffee. That was OK, but it kept me up all night.Then I attempted to run orange juice through Douggie's coffee maker in lieu of straight H2O. That tasted sort of rancid! The breakthrough occurred when I poured perked Nabob coffee into my popsicle moulds at home (mmm, I love popsicles), put in toothpicks, froze them, and voila! Ice cold coffee on a stick! It's great! Please feel free to market this wonderful new item, as I require no compensation for the creation. "A new ice age for coffee lovers has dawned!"

Anyhow, I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my letter. I truly am a coffee-holic today, even if it isn't in the conventional sense!

Thanks for "perking" up my mornings with a quick lick of coffee on a stick!

Beans, beans, the musical fruit,

Dairn M Peters

Nabob Letter (3)

2005-10-07T16:39:00.000-07:00

October 16, 1996

Nabob Coffee Co
Manager of Customer Service
3131 Lake City Way
Burnaby, BC V5A 3A3

Dear bean grinders extraordinaire,

I have written two letters to you (October 6, 1995/April 26, 1996), but have heard no response from your company. I am resubmitting my letters to the manager of customer service in order to receive a written response from your company. If you peruse my previous correspondence, you will note my evolution from coffee-hater to the coffee-addict that I am today. I have no complaints about Nabob at all, but I wonder about your company's lack of regard for your faithful consumers. I mean, doesn't our consumption of your product keep you in business?

I would appreciate you taking the time to read my previous letters and replying to my queries. Thank you very much, from a devoted (addicted?) Nabob fan.

Use Beano for heartburn,

Dairn M Peters

Nabob Reply

2005-10-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

October 25, 1996

Dear Dairn Peters:

Thank you for contacting the Nabob Coffee Company.

I apologize for not responding sooner, but it seems that your previous letters never arrived at our department. I am sorry for the inconvenience this has caused you and your friend.

Nabob coffee does not contain cocaine, or any traces of this substance. Caffeine itself can be considered an addictive substance. Your friend may want to research caffeine and its side affects.

Juan Valdez is a character created by the producers of Columbian Coffee. He is represented by an actual Columbian farmer. He was created to provide an image of quality for all coffee beans that are grown in Columbia. If you would like more information on Juan Valdez, I would refer you to the Columbian Coffee Federation at 140 East 57th St, New York, NY 10022. The telephone number is 1-212-421-8300.

Unfortunately, we do not have any Nabob hats or T-shirts. The Nabob Mugs and Coffee Scoops I have enclosed for you and Douggie, are the only premium items I have available at this time. I hope you will enjoy them.

Once again, I do apologize for the delay in responding. If you have any further questions, please feel free to call or write again.

Sincerely,

Renée Gaudet
Consumer Associate

Mojo Letter

2005-10-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

June 11, 1996

MOJO Candy
Taveners Pic
Liverpool L7 OHA
England

Dear chewy candy companions,

I love Mojo candies! I've been eating them since I was a kid and have enjoyed the wide variety of flavours packed in a little chewy gem. Mmmmm! I write to you for two reasons: First, I wanted to simply congratulate you on your fine product, and ask that you never stop sending them to Canada (no matter what the French-Canadians say about the English). Second, I need to ask about the phonetic pronunciation of the word "Mojo". I have two friends who say Mojo differently than I do. One friend is from Mexico (Manuel), and he pronounces the 'J' with an 'H' sound, Mo-ho. My other friend, Svend, is Swedish or Danish or Finnish (or some kind of ish), and he says "Mo-yo", with a 'Y' sound. Of course, I pronounce it with a 'J' sound like ju-jube, jelly bean, and Ajax (the North American cleaning product, not the soccer team over your way). Please be kind enough to clear up this confusing mess for us. Thanks a lot! Also, could you send a Mojo cap or t-shirt for my friends? They would be really thrilled!

Thanks again for responding to my queries. Cheerio!

Re-elect Prime Minister John "Mojo"!

Dairn M Peters

Mojo Reply

2005-10-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

Date: 23 October 1996

Dear Dairn

Thank you very much for your letter. I don't know where your first letter disappeared to but we did not receive it.

It is always great to hear that our Mojo's are loved. We all love them here. You have the correct pronunciation, not Manuel or Svend!

Unfortunately, we are not 'Americanised' and do not have any baseball caps etc. which we can send you.

Thanks again for your letter and keep chewin' the Mojo's.

Regards.

DAVID KELLY
Export Manager

In-N-Out Burger Letter

2005-09-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

January 13, 1997

In 'n Out Burger - President or CEO
4199 Campus Drive - 9th Floor
Irvine, CA
92612

Dear Burger Buckaroos,

I almost never write letters to anyone, but I felt compelled to respond in some way to the ecstasy I experienced while enjoying one of your double-double deals at In 'n Out! I've had a difficult time finding the words to express my feelings for your restaurant since my first, and only, visit (so far). It was November 29th, my two colleagues and I had landed in L.A. that morning and were driving our rental car to Palm Springs for a big youth conference, but in need of sustenance, we stopped at this fast food joint with the big red sign & the weird name. Terence had heard good things about the place so we dined heartily (and to my surprise, economically). Descriptive words include: scrumptious, delectable, savory, piquant (that's Gordon's word), mouth-watering, stimulating, zesty, lively, spirited, passionate, relish, gusto, gratifying, mollifying, pleasing to the five senses (six for women), favourable, and most agreeable!

I realize that this list barely scratches the surface that is so very deeply In 'n Out Burger! Needless to say, we REALLY LIKE YOUR FOOD!!! Of course, all the youth at the conference (over 1700 of 'em) already knew about your wonderful product and were surprised that we had nothing like it up in Canada. Nothing at all! My question for you is do you expect to expand your heavenly franchise into the Great White North anytime soon? I know that there would be 30 million happy Canadians ready and willing to consume all that you can produce (and I think I'd work for you for free)!

It's not very often that I get down to California, so please consider the possibility of moving your restaurants up to me (am I really that selfish? When In 'n Out's involved, I guess so!). Is it at all possible to send me a burger to go and an In 'n Out cap? I would be proud to adorn my head with your company's logo!

Thanks again for making my trip most enjoyable, and congratulations on your great product!

Drooling as I type,

Dairn M Peters

PS I called your 800# and spoke to "Gary", he was very helpful and provided me with your corporate address.

In-N-Out Burger Reply

2005-09-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

January 23, 1997

Dear Dairn:

I want to thank you for your letter in more ways than one. I know how hard it is to write letters... I find it hard myself. This is the best letter I've received in a long time, and I really enjoyed your descriptiveness. It actually made my day! As far as right now, we have considered Canada, but probably not for another year or so. Please bear with me...

I would not only like to give you a hat but a jacket as well. If for some reason the size isn't right, just let my secretary know. Her name is Terri and her phone number is 818-813-XXXX. Thank you again very much for such a great letter.

Sincerely,

H. Guy Snyder

*** Received an In-N-Out cap and embroidered 45th anniversary jean jacket ***

BC Tel Letter

2005-09-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

June 26, 1995

BC Tel Marketing Dept.
3777 Kingsway
Burnaby, BC
V5H 3Z7

Dear phone friends,

As near as I can tell, I've been using a phone since I was two and a half years old. I was answering the phone in my parents' home as soon as I could speak (my mom says I could sing before I could speak, but I don't remember). I have always enjoyed talking on the phone and can't imagine what the world was like before Alexander Graham Bell invented his fine world-changing product. My job as a customer service consultant at Cantel Cellular only increased my passion for the phone as I handled an average of 119 calls per day, that is until everyone was laid off, and the department decentralized to Toronto ("long live BC Tel Mobility!"). I would like to congratulate you on your exceptional service and products over the years.

The reason for this letter is in regards to your recent ad campaign. My oldest sister, Becky, who used to live in Airdrie, Alberta (pop. 9,437), used to tell me about the boring AGT (Alberta General Telephone) advertisements. They always ended their commercials with a monotonous jingle, "AGT, AGT, we're the best that we can be," blah, blah, blah, and so on. My guess is that the common folk in Alberta thrived on that sort of marketing simplicity. But not so here in beautiful British Columbia! I've always been impressed with your television ads that showed families growing closer together by making a phone call at just the appropriate time, or how a BC Tel lineman would string up phone lines with a bow and arrow. Now those are real life vignettes that capture our hearts and minds!

My comment is regarding your most recent commercial showing 5 mothers of NHL goalies dressed in hockey equipment, and reminiscing about the crystal clear phone calls they've received from their sons, all over the world. The captions say that they are the mothers of Kirk McLean, Wade Flaherty, Chris Osgood, and Trevor Kidd. This is fine and dandy, but there are five ladies, and only four names listed. Who is the mysterious fifth lady in the commercial? Is she a goalies' mom who didn't rank high enough on the acting scale to get her name mentioned? Maybe one of the marketing managers pulled some strings to get his own mom in the commercial with the other more famous moms? I would love to have an answer regarding the "fifth mystery mom" (as I've called her since the commercial was first aired a few months ago). Thanks for your time, and continue on in your fine tradition of BC Tel quality and consistency.

Please write back as my phone is broken.

Unitel is hell,

Dairn M Peters

PS Do you have a cap or t-shirt you could send for my sister?

BC Tel Reply

2005-09-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

July 3, 1995

Dear Mr. Peters,

Thank you for your kind letter regarding our advertising. It is always nice to get feedback from our customers... especially when it's positive! To answer your question regarding our recent Real Plus advertising campaign, the "fifth mystery mom" is Renate Kolzig, mother of Olly Kolzig. Olly plays for the Washington Capitals. And as you requested, I have enclosed a BC TEL T-shirt for your sister. I hope it fits.

Once again, thanks for the feedback.

Best regards,

Anthony Bertuzzi
Advertising Manager

United Nations Letter

2005-09-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

February 25, 1999

ATTN: Secretary General Kofi Annan
United Nations HQ
New York, NY
10017

Dear Emissary of Global Peace,

On a recent trip to my nation's capital city, Ottawa, my travelling companions and I encountered a mystifying problem that could have world-wide implications. Not one of us (all three of us grown, educated men) could figure out how to operate the hotel room's heating and cooling system! After numerous nights at the Howard Johnson tossing and turning due to the "too hot" or "too cool" room conditions, we came to the conclusion that this may be a problem in other countries of the world as well. In fact, the outbreak of a revolution or even full-scale war could hinge upon the good night's rest of a foreign dictator.

We all drew straws to see who would write a letter to the world's most influential association in order to address this pertinent need, and I got the short one. Our question for you, Most Honourable Secretary General Anan, is this: "Can the U.N. enforce the regulation of all public heating and cooling systems so that anyone (even full-grown men) can use them properly?"

Of course, we do not suggest to impose our imposition upon yourself without suggesting some suggestions to this resolution:

Mark all heating knobs and switches with a "universal" symbol for heat. (possibly a devil character with horns and pitchfork - Hell is hot, no?)
Mark all air conditioning knobs and switches with a "universal" symbol for cool. (possibly a devil character with a parka and scarf - for when Hell freezes over)
In each hotel room, enforce the addition of extra blankets and windows that open. (uncooperative hotels will have a rock star or the US Olympic hockey team stay for one week)
Close the RAMADA INNS across this great continent of ours once and for all!
Give special room rates to dictators and world leaders who tend to get cranky without a good rest.

These are only a few of our suggestions for world peace. Please feel free to let me know in your return letter if you would like to pursue more avenues of global harmony. Thank you so much for taking your time to respond! I appreciate the work that you do for our country and all the nations that are united together (except Madagascar - I don't trust them).

I'd like to teach the world to sing,

Dairn M Peters

PS Do you have a U.N. t-shirt (XL) you could send for Terry & Lion? That would be great!

United Nations Reply

2005-09-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

*

Still waiting.....

*

Pentel Letter

2005-09-23T10:45:00.000-07:00

June 11, 1996

Pentel of America, Ltd.
2805 Columbia Street
Torrance, CA
90509

Dear plastic pen professionals,

I am writing to congratulate you on your fine product and to tell you how happy we are. "We" are the men of the Kingsway Foursquare Church in Burnaby, British Columbia, of which I am an assistant pastor. You see, each year the pastoral staff gets together to brainstorm about ideas for Father's Day gifts for the men of the church (on Mother's Day the ladies get a flower or plant), but prior to last year the task was not easy.

The story began 6 years ago when we purchased a large number of pens for Father's Day, 1990. The pens (produced by a competitor of yours) looked nice and were a "good deal" so they were handed out on Sunday morning as a gift to the men. Within a week or two, we were hearing of complaints through the grapevine (nobody wanted to publicly criticize a church gift) regarding the suspect writing instruments. The crud (pardon my French) really hit the fan when the Senior Pastor's pen exploded in his white shirt pocket during a budget meeting! This, of course, spelled the end of Father's Day pens for the men. That is why it was such a task to come up with other inexpensive ideas for this annual occasion. Trinkets given out during some of the past years include: key chains; pocket flashlights; flashlight-keychains; discounted minor league baseball tickets (game was rained out!). Needless to say, we dreaded this scary day. That is, until last year.

I was in charge of the Father's Day fiasco (as it was being called), and I decided to give the pen "thing" another try because everybody uses pens (and because I thought the Senior Pastor had forgotten the incident of six years past). I went to Office Depot and purchased 200 Pentel pens for the men, and prayed for the best (seriously!). To my chagrin, the old guy still remembered his ink-blotched shirt and questioned my decision. However, as it turns out, to this day he still faithfully uses his Pentel pen from last Father's Day! Also, the pens got good reviews from the male population of the church, thank the Lord (and Pentel).

So today I went to Office Depot and purchased 20 boxes of Pentel RSVP fine line ball point pens (in black and blue) for this coming Sunday (June 16, Father's Day). Thanks to your great product, the Father's Day fiasco is no more, my Senior Pastor is a happy man, and my job is probably safe for another year. Thanks Pentel, you truly do have "the best value-priced, quality-crafted ball point pen made in the U.S.A."

I thank you for taking the time to read my long, babbling letter, but I just wanted to let you know how much you are appreciated. Is it possible to send a Pentel cap or t-shirt (XL) my way? I don't mind at all advertising such a fine product as yours! Thanks for your response.

Paper Mate is no friend of mine,

Dairn M Peters

Pentel Reply

2005-09-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

June 24, 1996

Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you for your delightful letter stating your pleasure with our new Pentel R.S.V.P. ball point pen. This pen has been quite a success since its introduction. We can't seem to manufacture enough product!

I'm pleased to hear your Father's Day fiasco turned out well. I am enclosing a few samples of our Pentel R.S.V.P. (just in case you need a few more). Also, I am enclosing a Gizmo T-shirt for you. The Gizmo is a new product for Pentel.

I hope you enjoy your product samples and T-shirt. Thanks again for your letter.

Sincerely,

Jill Netzel
Marketing Communications Manager

Snapple Letter

2005-09-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

September 5, 1995

Snapple Beverages
333 W. Merrick Rd
Valleystream, NY
11580

Dear succulent beverage suppliers,

I love Snapple Iced Tea!!! Finally a company has discovered a cure for my personal thirst disorder! I've tried everything from colas to lemonade. I even concocted my own mixture of Ovaltine and my grandma's special cold remedy (comprised of a bunch of stuff that would make a horse choke). Swallowing these ingredients while chewing a stick of Gatorade gum had a slight impact on my thirstiness ratio, but the side effects were profound to say the least (I'm still trying to see clearly out of my left eye!). With Snapple, I can open a bottle and sip it slowly over a period of time, or guzzle the sucker back so that it hits my throat with force. Both ways I am sufficiently satisfied!

The reason for my letter is more than just simple Snapple flattery, I would like to ask a question: How come the Snapple receptionist only shows American people in those funny Snapple commercials? We have TV up here in the Great White North too, and I think that if Snapple is to become a "truly universal" liquid of thirst refreshment, people need to see more than just the American public drinking it. I believe that we Canadians probably consume the same, if not more, Snapple product per capita as our friendly United States counterparts (do you keep those kinds of records?).

Please don't take me wrong, I love Snapple and I will drink it until I die, but a Canadian citizen (and/or Mexican) on a commercial would be a fantastic idea to promote harmony and brotherly love - or are you guys planning an attack shortly??? Please write back and let me know what you think of my suggestion. In the meantime I'll be lining up six flavours of Snapple in the fridge and creating a frosty "Snapple swamp water." Mmmm, mmmm good!

Toast the Tetley tea elves,

Dairn M Peters

PS Do you have a cap or t-shirt (XL) lying around that you could send my way? Thanks!

Snapple Reply

2005-09-20T09:35:00.000-07:00

November 17, 1995

Dear Peters:

Thank you for your letter regarding Snapple commercial advertising. We appreciate hearing from such enthusiastic consumers and we are thrilled you enjoy Snapple beverages so much.

In response to your inquiry concerning our commercials, we would like to explain how we approach our advertising. After we read and answer all the great letters we receive, they are forwarded to our advertising agency. Our agency selects twelve out of the 80,000 plus letters we receive annually to appear on our commercials. This is a very difficult decision. Although we know all the letters we receive are great Snapple originals, guidelines must be set to narrow the decision.

In Canada we currently advertise Snapple product through radio and hope to produce television commercials using "real Canadian consumers" in the next year or two. We do have television commercials in Quebec currently.

Believe it or not Americans consume almost three times per capita more Snapple than Canadians, but our consumption is increasing.

Thank you for your interest in our product and Snapple advertising. Keep watching for our upcoming television commercials, hopefully we will soon be featuring our "real Canadian consumers".

I have enclosed a few coupons for use towards your next purchase of Snapple and a key chain. Thanks again for contacting us.

Sincerely,

Carolyn Payne
Consumer Service Representative

Maglite Letter

2005-09-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

July 24, 1996

MAG Instrument
1635 S. Sacramento Ave
P.O. Box 50600
Ontario, California USA
91761-1083

Dear flashlight friends,

This is a letter from a very impressed MAGLITE owner! A few weeks ago I was in the British Columbia back country hiking with a couple of my friends (Thomas & Gerald), when around sundown we stumbled upon a black bear cub. Now he was really cute and quite curious about us but we cautiously backed off because where a cub is, a mama bear will soon be also. And sure enough, mother bear arrived on the scene cutting off our intended escape route, and looking none too pleased! Being between a rock and a hard place is tough, but being between a 300 pound mother bear and her cub is downright scary! I'm still not sure why I did it, but I slowly pulled out my rusty (but trusty) MAGLITE and shone it at the growling bear. By some fluke I had the red lens in place, and for some crazy reason, the bear started whining and backing up. As I kept the red light shining in the bear's face, she slowly made a wide circle around us to her cub on the other side, all the while whining (crying?) and keeping a close eye on us. In a matter of seconds the bears were waddling away into the woods. I believe that my MAGLITE saved the lives of Tom, Gerry, and myself! The next day both of my friends bought your flashlights, still amazed by our unbelievable experience.

I found your address on a MAGLITE package and thought I should write and thank you for your lifesaving product. "Thanks!" Maybe the words "scares away bears who are mad and want to eat you" should be printed on your packaging somewhere??? I've had my flashlight for about 9 years now, and I'll never buy a different brand. You people are very much appreciated! Do you have a MAGLITE cap that you could send my way? I wouldn't mind at all advertising your fine product! Thanks for your response to my letter.

A dedicated "flasher",

Dairn M Peters

Maglite Reply

2005-09-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

Aug 22, 1996

Dear Mr. Peters:

It is a pleasure to receive words of support and praise about our products as we always strive to maintain the highest level of customer satisfaction. This being such an unusual and dangerous situation, we have notified our Alaskan Rep to see if he has heard of any other similar incidents with the red reflector and wild animals.

We are happy to hear that this was possibly a life saving feature to our Mag-Lite flashlight. Your letter will take a place of honor in our testimonial showcase and we are also including it in our next company newsletter.

Unfortunately, at this time, we are out of our Mag caps. An order has been placed and will take 4-6 weeks for them to arrive here. Once they do, I will be happy to send you one. I have enclosed a catalogue, parts list and order form for your future use.

Thank you for your letter and for purchasing Mag-Lite products.

Sincerely,

MAG INSTRUMENT, INC.

Donna L. Piazza
Sales Assistant

** Received MAG cap a month later

Wunderbar Letter

2005-09-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

July 17, 1996

Cadbury Canada Ltd.
Toronto, Ontario
Canada
M6J 3L9

Dear chocolate gods in the east,

As I write, I am finishing off another one of your fantastically wonderful WUNDERBAR chocolate bars! I hardly ever write to anyone, but I had a couple questions for you, and I felt that a massively huge "THANKS" was in order considering you make the world's best peanutty-chocklitty-caramel treat (and you can quote me on that)!

My first question is how do you get the awesome peanut butter-like substance inside each WUNDERBAR??? Now, I'm sure you get asked about the Caramilk secret all the time (that's easy, it's done with tine elves - everybody knows that!), but I don't care about Caramilk. I LOVE WUNDERBARs! My theory is that you inject the creamy peanut butter-like substance into the hardened, tubular-shaped toffee-ish stuff, and then douse it in a coating of delightfully milky liquid chocolate. Am I close?

Secondly, a certain friend (who shall remain nameless - OK we'll call him "Terry") wanted me to ask a ver dumb question: Have you ever had legal complications with Playtex, the makers or Wonderbra? See, I told you it was a stupid thing, but I promised him I would ask. I guess he thinks that WUNDERBAR could be too close a name to that other certain ladies under garment thingy. My wife (Griselda) believes that Playtex has been around a lot longer than Cadbury, but I argued quite convincingly the opposite (WUNDERBAR has been described throughout history as the "nectar of the gods", "forbidden fruit in the Grden of Eden", and "the breakfast of champions"). I wholeheartedly support WUNDERBAR and Cadbury in general, and believe that if anyone must do a legal name change it should be the piddly people at Playtex. Of course, I'm sure they could garner plenty of bra "support", but I would stick with you folks (cross my heart!) until the day I die.

Anyhow, I really just wanted to let you know how grateful I am that you make WUNDERBAR, and that I eat about a dozen each week (do you keep consumption records? Am I the best WUNDERBAR fan in the world, or what?). I thank you for taking the time to read my long-ish, sort of babbling letter, but I want you to know that you are appreciated. Is it possible to send a WUNDERBAR (or Cadbury) cap my way? I don't mind at all advertising such a fine product as yours! Thanks for your response.

Wonderful, wonderful, WUNDERBAR!

Dairn M Peters

Wunderbar Reply

2005-09-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

July 24, 1996

Dear Dairn:

Thank you for your letter. We enjoy hearing from our consumers and were pleased to learn that you like our Wunderbar and that you feel it is "the world's best peanutty-chocklitty-caramel treat".

In answer to your question, Cadbury uses various methods to make chocolate into candy bars. The Wunderbar is made on an enrobing machine. The peanut butter centre is made first by an extruder and the centre then passes along a conveyor belt to the enrobing machine which encases the centre in a rich chocolate coating.

In answer to Terry's question, to my knowledge we have never had any legal complications with Playtex, the makers of Wonderbra. As for the Caramilk secret, our lips are sealed and we cannot confirm your tiny elves theory.

I would like to thank you again Dairn, for your entertaining letter and wish you continued enjoyment of our Cadbury Wunderbar. To help you do this, we have enclosed 10 courtesy coupons redeemed at most major stores for your favourite Wunderbar. We leave the choice to you, to share with Terry & Griselda or not to share! Enjoy!

Sincerely,

Rose Tuzi
Supervisor, Consumer Services

Players Tobacco Letter (1)

2005-09-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

May 27, 1998

Players Tobacco Ltd
3810 St. Anthony
Montreal, PQ
H4C 1B5

Dear cigarette czars,

I am not a smoker, but many of my friends are. They seem to really enjoy the social aspect of sitting with friends, smoking a Player's Premiere, and shooting the breeze (or puffing it, actually). When in the company of my friends, I have often felt like an outsider to their clique of filtered bliss. So, I am considering taking up the dying art of smoking! My friends commend me in my endeavour and are giving me plenty of advice, but I decided to write to the professionals... you! Please, if possible, respond to my novice (naive?) questions.

First of all, I read on a pack of Players matches that Player's Premiere has "full flavour, less irritation." It sounds as though the ad is guaranteeing me irritation, but less than something else. However it doesn't explain what would be more irritating. How about nails on a chalkboard? Or maybe a dog barking while I'm trying to sleep? Or the Canadiens being defeated by the Buffalo Sabres in the playoffs? Maybe you can calm my fears on this one.

Another question I have is about the benefits to smoking. I sure hear a lot about the cons, but what are the pros? A lot of people smoke, so there must be some good reasons (asking my friends, I couldn't really get a straight answer). If you could send me a list, that would be great!

My last question is maybe a little tougher to answer, but I'd love your professional opinion. Will I go to Hell (or Hades) for smoking? I know a lot of church-going types really think smoking is kinda evil or something, but then at my brother-in-law's church, it seems like everybody smokes! What's your definitive answer to this one???

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my questions. I am willing to make a good go of it once I've received your reply. Could you send me an XL t-shirt or a cap? That would be great, thanks again (merci).

Smoke 'em if you got 'em,

Dairn M Peters

Players Tobacco Letter (2)

2005-09-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

July 15, 1998

ATTN: President/CEO
Players Tobacco Ltd
3810 St. Anthony
Montreal, PQ
H4C 1B5

Dear tobacco trader,

Our wonderful postal service strikes again! I am assuming you did not receive my previous letter dated May 27th, as I have not heard from you yet. Please forgive me if you did indeed receive my initial epistle and are in the process of responding. I am in a little bit of a hurry because I'd like to be a full-fledged Players smoker before the Indy comes to Vancouver in September (then I could hang out with the Players Racing Team - I am one of the finalists to drive the pace car again this year!).

Anyhow, I thought I should give you another opportunity to respond to my inquiries before I write to another company and pledge my smoking alliegance to them. So here I am, with a copy of my previous correspondance enclosed, just in case you didn't receive it. Thank you for your time in answering my 3 requests (more fully explained on other page):

(1) What is more irritating than Player's Premium? (maybe reruns of "Who's The Boss?")
(2) What are the positives involved with smoking?
(3) Will I be banished to eternal damnation for smoking?

Thanks again for your response to these questions. I look forward to hearing from your company and joining the legions of other fine Players Tobacco smokers in the world!

Smoke on the water (Deep Purple),

Dairn M Peters

PS Did David Letterman really give up cigars???

Players Tobacco Reply

2005-09-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

*********************
No reply (I wonder why?)
*********************

Rolo Letter

2005-09-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

January 24, 1996

Nestlé - Rolo Candy
Box 7200
Willowdale B, Ont
M2K 2Z2

Dear chocolate connoisseurs,

I LOVE your Rolo chocolate and caramel candies, "the one you can roll to a friend!" In fact my whole family loves them (except Fernandez, because he's allergic to hydrolysed whey syrup)! Just the other day we finished off a pack of Rolos as a family, and my daughter, Marino, suggested that we write to you and tell you how much we like them. I gave her the lame excuse that we didn't have your address, but Watson (he's six) quickly pointed out that your address was on the wrapper. As well, the wrapper says "Questions?", so all of the kids (Watson, Tom, Marino, Dan, Fernandez, Joe and Mary), my wife (Ezmerelda), and myself put together a list of our most puzzling queries. I appreciate that your large corporation takes the time to answer such probing questions, and all the kids are looking forward to your "answer person's" response! I'll list the questions in order from the tallest to the smallest:

Tom asks: "Who's a better center in the NBA, Shaquille O'Neal or David Robinson?"

I was wondering: "With my '68 Valiant, would my gas mileage dramatically improve if I used premium unleaded instead of the cheaper stuff?"

Fernandez says: "I have a huge crush on Rikki Lake, do you have her address?"

Dan wants to know: "What's the population of Uganda?" I think he's doing a school report.

Marino has a math problem: "If plane A leaves Toronto at 3am and heads south at 155KPH, and plane B leaves Tampa Bay at 7am and heads north at 170KPH, at what time will they meet?" I think she may have left out a couple variables, but if you could do your best, great!

Ezmerelda asks: "What is the best way to marinate chicken for the barbeque?"

Mary wants to know: "Will New Kids on the Block ever have a comeback tour?"

Joe wonders: "Is Batman tougher than Spiderman?"

Watson blurts out: "Why is the sky blue?" Don't feel you have to answer that one, it's stumped us for quite a while!

Thanks for answering our questions. I have included a Rolo wrapper for reference.

A Rolo gathers no moss,

Dairn M Peters

PS Do you have a cap or t-shirt that you could send for the family? Thanks a lot!

Rolo Reply

2005-09-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

05-Mar-1996

Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you for your letter of January 24, 1996. You seem to have mistaken the information on the Rolo wrapper. "Questions" means if you have any questions about the product, you may use the 800 number provided.

Sincerely,
Nestlé Canada Inc.

Anne Marie Burns
Customer Service Representative

Starburst Letter

2005-09-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

October 12, 1995

Starburst Candy
Effem Foods Ltd.
PO Box 640
Bolton, Ont
L7E 5S4

Dear "mouth-watering explosions of flavour" people,

I almost never write letters, especially to compliment a type of candy, but my wife and I LOVE Starburst fruit chews! It really is "refreshing fruit flavour" that tantalizes ones tasetebuds in a truly addictive way. When I chew on one of the California Fruits flavours I still feel like a kid after 42 years of growing up! To quote Tony the Tiger, "They're grrrreat!"

The reason for my letter is to not only compliment you on your fine product, but to suggest a new advertising campaign. Yesterday while watching a re-run of Saved By The Bell with my kids, Ronnie, Bonnie, and Kip, we saw a Starburst commercial with teens in a boring graduating ceremony. Boring, that is, until they each eat a Starburst fruit chew! I noticed the ad jingle you use is, "the juice is loose!" Maybe someone has already suggested this, but now that O.J. Simpson is free (or you might say loose), why not ask him to star in your latest advertising scheme? It would go great with your established jingle, and have a double meaning of it's own! When my wife, Shawnice, heard my suggestion she laughed and encouraged me to write to you, so here I am!

If your marketing department is anything like the one I work in, I know that they are probably not allowed to accept outside suggestions because of legal reasons. But please be assured that I don't require, nor want, any sort of compensation for my idea. I just thought I better let you know about it before the O.J. tie-in got stale. Please feel free to pursue this if it seems like something you could use.

Well that's all I wanted to say. It's time to change the twins, and Kips says "Hi". Thanks for taking the time to respond to my comments, I really appreciate it.

Bursting with anticipation,

Dairn M Peters

PS Do you have a cap or t-shirt (XL) that you could send for my wife? She'd be thrilled!

Starburst Reply

2005-09-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

October 18, 1995

Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you very much for your letter and kind comments regarding our STARBURST Fruit Chews.

As you anticipated, we do have a strict company policy that forbids the acceptance of unsolicited product, advertising or promotional ideas.

We make a substantial effort to develop ideas on our own, and therefore must avoid any possible conflict of ownership. For this reason, your letter is being returned. We hope you will understand our position.

We do not have any promotional items for STARBURST at this time.

Please accept the enclosed with our compliments, and say hi back to Kip!

Yours sincerely,

Lisa Kerr
Consumer Affairs Co-Ordinator

* Received store coupon for 4 free Mars products

Kraft Dinner Letter

2005-09-06T10:14:00.000-07:00

July 18, 1995

Kraft Canada Consumer Center
P.O. Box 1200
Don Mills, Ont
M3C 3J5

Dear pasta proteges,

I've been enjoying your Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for as long as I can remember. It is not only extremely enjoyable, but also very economical. My wife and I will often "load up" our cart with 60 days worth of your product at the grocery store so that we can afford to barbeque a steak dinner once during the summer. What a treat! Please don't ever change the recipe - we don't think that it could ever be improved upon!

I have to admit that I rarely write letters (to anyone, never mind a giant corporation like yourself), but through the gentle coaxing of my mother-in-law (bless her heart) I am writing to you today. You see, she also buys your wonderful food products and was preparing a meal the other day for the whole family (Kraft Cheese and Macaroni and ground beef, mmmm good!), when I noticed a band-aid on her thumb. Being the thoughtful son-in-law that I am, I asked her what happened. She explained that she always had to cut open the box of Kraft Marconi and Cheesie with a sharp serrated knife because on the side of the box where it says, "Push in here", there is a dotted line but no perforations, thus making it impossible to push open the packaging. So unfortunately, while trying to open the box, she cut herself. Then my wife (Desiree) chimed in by saying that she had broken her thumb nail (quite painfully, I might add) trying to open a box of Krafty Cheeze'n Macarini in the same manner. Your packaging has a dotted line and instructions, but no perforations in the box to aid in the opening process! Go, quick, try it and see for yourself!

I'm not the type to harp on someone, especially when it's the Karft Manicotti and Cheeses people, but my family all agreed that something should be said (and I guess I drew the short straw, so to speak). Please realize that we have absolutely no complaints about your product, just the manner in which it is wickedly packaged. Maybe something can be done about this?

Thanks very much for taking the time to respond.

Cheese pleases,

Dairn M Peters

PS Do you have a t-shirt (XL) you could send for my mother-in-law?

Kraft Dinner Reply

2005-09-06T10:04:00.000-07:00

August 3, 1995

Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you for your comments concerning the packaging of KRAFT DINNER Macaroni and Cheese.

Naturally we are sorry to learn that you were disappointed with a recent purchase of this product, but we do appreciate your taking the time to notify us of your dissatisfaction.

You can be sure that our product development people are constantly searching for better and more efficiant ways to package all Kraft General Foods' products and to provide our consumers with tamper-evident packaging. Our primary concern has always been protecting the freshness of the product, and the present packaging does that job well. We will continue to research the problem which you have encountered until a more satisfactory answer is found. In the meantime, we hope your enjoyment of the quality and taste you find in our products far outweighs any displeasure you may experience with the packaging.

Unfortunately, we do not have any t-shirt or promotional KRAFT Dinner items available at this moment in time. I have, however, enclosed a selection of our Kraft Kitchens recipes that you can share with your mother-in-law.

Thank you once again and we do hope you will continue to be one of our valued customers.

Sincerely,

Johna Janelle
Consumer Response Associate

Mentos Letter

2005-08-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

June 24, 1998

Mentos Candy
Van Melle Canada Ltd
#114-3899 Steeles Ave West
Woodbridge, ON
L4L 4G9

Dear Men of Mentos (and women),

Mentos give me hiccups. I love them more than life itself, but they ALWAYS begin a prolonged attack of the most loud, annoying hiccups! Now that doesn't stop me from consuming the best treat on the planet (except maybe those soap candies from Ireland), but it bugs the heck out of everyone within earshot! Have you heard of this happening with other Mentos lovers? Is there some sort of hiccup-inducing ingredient within it's secret recipe? Do you keep any sort of consumption records, because I might eat more than any other person out there! In my average week, I probably down 2 to three boxes (36 pkgs each) of Mentos from the local Save-On-Foods bulk candy section. Is that some kind of record? This, of course, means I am hiccupping almost 24 hours a day. My wife, Sharla, has difficulty sleeping, and our dog, Rizzo, howls if he hears me. Help!

Please let me know if there is any way to stop the insanity without reducing my intake of your delicious candy. Also, I have a few new flavour suggestions for your company:

Licorice
Chocolate
Lemon Meringue Pie
Asparagus (for kids who won't eat their veggies!)
Liver & Onions
Niccotine (for smokers trying to quit)
Pimento Mentos (hot!)

Thanks for taking the time to peruse my letter. I'll be looking forward to your reply in response to my questions. Thanks so very much, from a devoted Mentos fan!

People think I'm drunk (hic),

Dairn M Peters

PS How about "Womentos"?

Mentos Reply

2005-08-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

July 28, 1998

Dear Dairn:

We appreciate hearing from our customers, especially when they express great enjoyment from our products.

Thank you for your new flavor requests. We appreciate creative ideas.

In appreciation of your interest, we have enclosed some Mentos for you to enjoy.

We hope that you will continue to be a loyal Van Melle customer.

Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Judy Hayden
Customer Service Manager

Columbia House Letter

2005-08-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

June 5, 1998

ATTN: Pam Marshall - Membership Director
Columbia House
PO Box 63003 STN BRM B
Toronto, ON
M7Y 3B3

Dear music membership marketers,

Words cannot describe my elation at receiving your personal congratulations that I was selected to be a member of your prestigious organization. I was absolutely thrilled at the sight of my name on my very own blue and white membership card. And when I realized the deal that you were offering, I just about went berserk! "Where do I sign up?", I screamed as I ripped into your package of reading materials and unfolded the stamps showing album covers from your fine selection of music. If I had been a dog, this would have been my day! However, after poring over your personal invitation three times, my stomach knotted up really tight, and a fear grabbed at my heart that never seemed to let go. Your club seems to cater only to people with CD players!

This would not be a normal obstacle to most of your clients, but being a devout Seventh Day Mormon (a conglomerate sect), I am not allowed to entertain myself with the more modern conveniences of today. Therein lies my problem. I own numerous record players and eight-track players, and so the excitement of updating my record collection sent me soaring. But lo and behold, newfangled shiny discs prevail over older, vinyl ones. Can you help me? Do any of your selections come on LP or 45? Can you possibly have an 8-track or two in your new releases?

Or, can you please write back with some reasons for purchasing a CD player and signing up with your club right away? My business (polyester suit renewals) provides me with enough income to buy hundreds of compact disc players, and Heaven knows your personal letter is tempting enough to disregard my religion and join your worldly ranks. Please respond as soon as you can, and if possible, could you send me a Columbia House t-shirt (XL)? I'd be most grateful!

With two turntables and a microphone,

Dairn M Peters

Columbia House Reply

2005-08-23T10:45:00.000-07:00

* NOTE: This is easily the best response I've ever received - enjoy!

June 22, 1998

Re: CDs versus LPs/8-Tracks

Dear Dairn;

Thank you for your letter of June 5, 1998.

We appreciate and rejoice in your elation due to the arrival of our offer of application and we do also share in your pain and discomfort at the lack of selections in 8-track and/or vinyl format. Unfortunately, due to the "rule of majority", demand for these forms of musical preservation have unfortunately gone the way of the dodo or (in more recent memory) the fine Pacer automobile. Take heart though, as the VW Beetle seems to have made a resurgence!

Though I am not familiar with the Seventh Day Mormon religion, I am sure if they do permit the prevailing technology of the Seventies to be utilized for your personal gratification and edification, surely you might be able to sway the decision makers of this particular religious sect. Perhaps including the following arguments may help to soften the impact of newer technology:

Unlike LPs, 45s and 8-Tracks, CDs don't produce music through the physical touching of the components, but through an incredible "laser" technology. (If you have seen "Star Trek" it is similar to their fictional "phasers" but with much less destructive force. A technology used for the greater good of man, not evil. Does your religion permit the viewing of television?)

Also, CDs carry all the music on only one side of the shiny disc, so there is no more annoying "ka-CHUNK" of an 8-Track changing channels, or the constant 20 minute trip to the turntable to lift the LP, flip it 180 degrees, clean the dust motes and continue the playing of the second side.

As well, with our wonderful CDs, you can forever kiss goodbye those aggravating hisses, pops and squeaks of a record with too much dust. CDs are also much more resistant to warping, so it's much safer to transport them in your vehicle of choice (a good feature for those remaining AMC Pacer owners - the sheer window space of this car is enough to drive one mad due to the unencumbered view of the outside world rushing past!).

As a further enticement to your religious elders (if I may be so bold), you may wish to offer them some sort of bargain on some of your fine polyester garments. I am sure you would be safe in assuming the loss would be quickly offset by the incredible bargains offered through our Music Club. I am sorry we cannot send the requested Columbia House T-shirt, though you do seem to be in the advantageous position of possibly designing something along that line yourself out of polyester!

In closing, I hope this missive answers the many questions you seem to need education on. I will take the liberty of enclosing another application in hopes that you may wax eloquent enough to bring the power and pleasures of the 90's to all the Seventh Day Mormons in Burnaby, nay, the world!

Musically (and technologically) yours,

Tobin Elliott
Supervisor, Customer Service

Coca-Cola Letter

2005-08-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

August 16, 1995

V.P. of Coca-Cola Ltd
2450 United Blvd
Coquitlam, BC
V3K 6G2

Dear cola colossus,

I love your product! I drink more Coca-Cola (or Coke, as it will be addressed henceforth in this letter) than practically any other liquid on the face of this earth! However, I have a friend named "Lisa Tremblay" (name changed to protect the innocent) who drinks even more than me and I am afraid that she may be addicted to your beverage. She takes cans of Coke with her everywhere: to work; to school; on camping trips; she even made herself a special over-sized purse so that she could store it more efficiently and bring it on airplanes! She is always so afraid that your fine product may not be accessible at her destinations, that she even has trouble sleeping at night (unless she downs a 2 litre bottle of Coke before bed).

Anyhow, I've heard rumours that your product may be made from 100% Columbian cocaine, and I think that is why she is addicted. "Lisa" grew up in northern Quebec drinking your product from a very young age and is now, doubtlessly, putting through college the families of Coca-Cola's entire middle management team! (This is based on an average consumption rate of 74.5, 355ml cans per week) Amazingly, she is in perfect health!

My three questions for you are: (1) Does Coke have cocaine in it's ingredients, (2) if so, how can it be sold so cheaply, and (3) was I the only person on the planet to like your new improved Coke a few years ago???

I'm quite shy and almost never write letters, so I really appreciate your busy corporation taking the time to address my questions and concerns.

Always,

Dairn M Peters

PS I've been looking for a Coca-Cola cap or (XL) t-shirt for my friend, but haven't been able to locate a nice one. Do you have one that you can send for her? Thanks again!

Coca-Cola Reply

2005-08-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

August 18, 1995

Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you for your letter, it was most enjoyable to read.

The rumours that you heard that there was 100% Columbian cocaine in the Coca-Cola formula are untrue. That substance was eliminated more than 100 years ago, when cocaine became illegal in the United States of America. Therefore, your "drug addiction concerns" for your friend can be put to rest.

In answer to your question on New Coke, you were not the only person to like it, but the total sales demand wasn't high enough, therefore, it had to be discontinued.

Again, thank you very much for your letter. We are never too busy to answer questions or concerns from our loyal customers. I have enclosed two 12 pack coupons so that you and "Lisa" can enjoy some of our great product on us as well as a Coca-Cola cap so that you may end your search.

Hopefully, I have answered all your questions, and I hope you will continue to be one of our loyal consumers "Always".

Sincerely,

T.J. Collins
Vice-President & Division Manager
Western Canada

Pepsi Letter

2005-08-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

August 16, 1995

Pepsi-Cola Ltd
1255 Bay St.
Toronto, Ont
M5R 2A9

Dear carbonated conglomerate,

I love Pepsi! In fact all the guys in my dorm think Pepsi is the greatest (we set up an impromptu Pepsi altar of perilously balanced empties)! You may wonder why fourteen guys choose Pepsi over Coke (spew!) or any of it's competitors? One word: BURPABILITY! (Is that a word?)

Yes, we held a contest to discover which cola had the best BPC rating (Belches Per Can), and Pepsi-Cola won hands down! It was so decisive a victory that we would like to collectively offer a name change recommendation from Pepsi-Cola to "Burpsi-Cola"!

Please write back and let us know what you think. In the meantime, if you keep producing we'll keep chugging!

For a bigger and better BPC,

Dairn M Peters

PS Could you send a cool cap or t-shirt (XL) for Bob? He got Pepsi up his nose and it really stung! Thanks a lot!

Pepsi Reply

2005-08-09T15:21:00.000-07:00

September 14, 1995

Dear Mr. Peters:

I am responding to your letter dated August 16, 1995. We at Pepsi-Cola Company wish to thank you for your interest in our company, as expressed by your desire to share your ideas with us. We are, needless to say, always keenly interested in new ideas which will further the growth of our business. Indeed, in keeping with this interest, we have many employees and independent agencies who devote their time and energies to a continuing program of improving the means by which we promote our products.

While we regularly receive many unsolicited suggestions concerning our advertising and a wide range of other subjects, experience has shown that a great many of the unsolicited ideas we receive have already been considered or used by Pepsi-Cola Company or its competitors. Also, experience has proved that the practice of considering unsolicited, submitted suggestions inevitably gives rise to misunderstandings as to the origin and ownership of the particular ideas which may be contained in such materials. Accordingly, we have found it necessary to adopt a general policy of not accepting unsolicited ideas and suggestions.

In keeping with this corporate policy, I must advise you that we cannot pursue your suggestion. Therefore, your enclosure is being returned to you, and we will not keep any copies in our files.

Thank you again for taking the time to contact Pepsi-Cola.

Very truly yours,

Kathi Bonet
Administrative Assistant
Law Department

Enclosure

PS -- Enclosed is a T-Shirt for Bob.

BCTV Letter

2005-07-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

July 17, 1995

BCTV
7850 Enterprise St
Burnaby, BC
V5A 1V7

Dear TV station sultans,

I'm writing to congratulate you on your fine television station. Your show selection is impressive (I love watching Letterman), and Squire Barnes is the most entertaining, knowledgeable, and humourous sportscaster ANYWHERE! (take that, Dan Russell)

Anyhow, the main reason for my letter is to grant you the coveted "Most Inappropriate Ad Placement Of The Year Award." I just made up the category today, so you've probably never heard of it before, but my family (wife, Wendy; sons, Harvey and Denny; and adopted daughter, Shelagh) is fully behind me on this. We were watching the evening newscast on your station, as always, waiting for the sports report with Squire Barnes. It was exactly 6:43pm according to my watch, when a commercial came on regarding speeding in BC. It was one of those "Roadsense" ads with a car going 100 kph (able to stop before having an accident), and another vehicle (a van I think, I don't know the model...) going 115 kph, unable to stop before smashing into a semi trailer. The ad then states that "Speed is killing us." It is a very effective commercial which had the whole family quiet (even our yappy poodle, Luigi), and just staring at the TV set. THEN, the very next commercial shows Indy race cars going in excess of 300 kph around Vancouver, and the announcer says to "Get your speeding tickets now!" The Vancouver Indy is billed as the fastest weekend in town, and... get this... is sponsored by Molson Canadian beer!!! HELLO??? Are you trying to tell me: "Speed kills, but support the racing of cars going too fast, sponsored by the sale of alcohol?" You can see that by themselves, these commercials are no big deal, but when they are run back to back, side by side, and one after the other, it defies logic! Do you see what I mean? That's why you are this year's winner!

Of course, this is all in the name of good humour, as I don't want you to think that I'm angry or upset, just curious as to how this could have happened? This is of additional interest to me since that I am one of the local finalists to drive the pace car for the start of this year's Indy race. I hope that your viewers don't get the idea that all race drivers are speed demons who consume gallons of beer and don't realize the importance of road safety.

Thanks for taking the time to read my comment. I know that you didn't mean for anything negative to come from a simple TV ad, but that's the same thing they said when writers came up with the sitcom, "Who's The Boss?" By the way, how about showing some "Hogan's Heroes" reruns? That was a classic show!

TV for me,

Dairn M Peters

PS Could you please coax Squire into sending an autographed photo for my son Denny, and a BCTV cap for my adopted daughter Shelagh?

BCTV Reply

2005-07-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

July 26, 1995

Mr. Dairn M. Peters
Suite 107 - 6198 Kathleen Ave
Burnaby, B.C.
V5H 2S7

Dear Dairn,

Thank you very much for your most enjoyable letter of July 17, 1995. I am pleased that you enjoy BCTV and I will pass your kind comments along to Squire Barnes.

I reluctantly accept your coveted "Most Inappropriate Ad Placement of the Year Award" - sounds like we won hands down!

Dairn, thank you very much for taking the time to write - please believe me when I say that your note is probably the most creative one that I have received to date this year!

I'll pass your comments on regarding "Hogan's Heroes" to our Vice President of Programming. Enclosed is an autographed photo of Squire and a cap for Shelagh.

My very best wishes and sincere thanks, I am,

Yours sincerely,

R.S. (Ron) Bremner
President and Chief Executive Officer

Oakland A's Letter

2005-07-19T11:03:00.000-07:00

September 27, 1996

Oakland Athletics
7000 Coliseum Way
Oakland, CA
94621-1918

Dear A-Team,

I have been an Oakland A's fan since my 5th birthday (9 years ago), and have watched all the games that I could over the years, mostly during Blue Jays telecasts because I'm in Canada. Recently a group of guys at my school were bragging about the Atlanta Braves and I told them that I didn't think they were the best team. They asked which team I liked best, and I triumphantly stated, "I am a proud Athletic's supporter!", and by the time I could say that the Oakland A's were definitely the best team in baseball, they were all laughing at me, rolling around on the ground holding their stomachs because they began to hurt from laughter! I asked them what was so funny, and they just pointed at me and called me an Athletic supporter. Of course, I agreed with them and said, "yes, I am an Athletic's supporter, so what?" AND THEY LAUGHED ALL THE HARDER!

I just want to write to you and tell you that your team doesn't get the proper respect that it deserves. I am ashamed of the way my Canadian "friends" were making fun of all the Athletic's supporters and jocks on the team that, in my opinion, could be the best home run team of all time!

Anyways, just thought I'd write and tell you that there is at least one major Athletic's supporter in Canada who will do his best to support and protect your reputation. Please continue doing a great job signing veterans and potential stars, I'd hate to see an A's jock strapped for cash, and then holding out or demanding a trade. That'd be awful!

Proud to be a supporter,

Dairn M Peters

PS Is it possible to send me an Oakland A's cap? Thanks a lot! (Please say "hi" to Mr. McGwire for me)

Oakland A's Reply

2005-07-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

* No letter, simply a Mark McGwire bookmark and an autographed black and white photo. *

NASA Letter (1)

2005-07-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

January 13, 1996

Johnson Space Center
2101 NASA Road 1
Houston, Texas
77058

Dear space guys,

I'm not exactly sure who to write to, but I needed to get a hold of the NASA people somehow. I just loved the movie Apollo 13! Even though the actual event took place before I was born, the earth-shattering-edge-of-your-seat-hair-raising-hold-your-breath-til-you-puke excitement of the story somehow BECAME A PART OF ME (I was in my mother's womb at the time of the incident, so, through osmosis, I felt the worldwide concern reaching the very depths of my recently conceived being.... or something like that). I know that Hollywood made the film, but you people truly deserve the credit for the fine human drama involved. I offer my sincere congratulations for your great work every day (air traffic controllers think they have pressure, ha! Try bringing in a screaming chunk of metal from outer space!), and my personal thanks for the influence that "Mission Control" has made in my life (I realize that most of you had nothing to do with Apollo 13, but I've come to think of you all as cosmically related to that almost ill-fated occurrence, and mutually intertwined with the lives of those who were actually there.... or something like that).

However, "Houston, we have a problem" (of course, I've always wanted to say that). My son, Buzz, absolutely LIVES to watch space travel movies like Apollo 13, The Right Stuff and Plan 9 From Outer Space, and so for his birthday I'd love to get him an official NASA cap. Do you have one lying around that you could send? It would mean a lot to me if it is possible! My own dream would be to one day travel in the space shuttle. Are there any openings? I'm in pretty good physical shape, I've learned how to urinate in a pickle jar (is that part of the training?), and having a Canadian aboard couldn't hurt political situations either. Please write back and let me know how things are going down in the heart of the space program.

Thanks in advance to your response to my questions, I appreciate you taking the time to answer a die hard fan.

To Infinity And Beyond! (or something like that),

Dairn M Peters

PS I own the Star Wars trilogy. (I thought this information might make it easier for you to narrow down your shuttle passenger selections!)

NASA Letter (2)

2005-07-14T16:56:00.000-07:00

April 10, 1996

Johnson Space Center
2101 NASA Road 1
Houston, Texas
77058

Dear orbital observers,

I wrote to you in January of this year commending you on your terrific, yet difficult task of spearheading North America's space stuff. I have not heard a response from you, and a friend of mine quietly pointed out to me that my previous letter sounded kinda goofy! Please accept my sincerest apologies if my letter dated January 13th, 1996 was worded sort of strangely. My two main concerns were: 1) Could you send me a NASA cap for my science-fiction craved son? 2) Are there any openings for a clearly Canadian cosmonaut on one of your upcoming space shuttle shuttles?

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my queries. I enclosed a copy of my previous letter for your perusal in case the postal service did us a disservice and failed to service my postal requirements (lost my letter).

Spam, the final frontier!

Dairn M Peters

NASA Reply

2005-07-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

* I received a picture of the Space Shuttle, and this form letter with a single check mark (X) on it *

National Aeronautics and
Space Administration

Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center
2101 NASA Road 1
Houston, Texas 77058-3696

Dear Requestor:

Thank you for your recent letter requesting information about the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA). Your letter was forwarded to this office for response. Please note the statements checked below that are appropriate to your request:

__ Available material is enclosed.
__ Information is out of print.
__ Information is not available at this time.
__ The requested information is not distributed from this office.
__ The requested publication can be purchased from the U.S. Government Printing Office, Superintendent of Documents, Washington, DC 20402, 202-783-3238, or you can check the Federal Government listings in your phone directory for a Government Book Store in your area.
__ This office does not maintain a mailing list such as you have requested.
__ There is no charge for postage or materials distributed by the Johnson Space Center.
__ NASA does not recommend specific institutions or courses of instruction. Please contact accredited universities of your choice to determine if instruction is offered in the aerospace field.
__ Autographs and any individual astronaut photographs can be obtained by writing to Mail Code CB, Johnson Space Center, 2101 NASA Road 1, Houston, TX 77058-3696.
__ Due to budgetary constraints, we are unable to fill bulk orders (or multiple requests for the same items from a single requestor).
X_ To purchase NASA souvenirs, please contact the Space Trader Store at 1-800-746-7724.
__ Please check with a university, local library, or planetarium for this request.
__ Please see the attached list of sources for additional information.

Your interest in the U.S Space Program is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

The Information Services Center Staff

BCAA Letter

2005-07-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

November 1, 1995

Mr. Ian Somerville - Mgr BCAA
4567 Canada Way
Burnaby, BC
V5G 4T1

Dear AA for BC,

Help me, I'm confused! I received your "OOPS! We goofed!" mailing this week, and in it I find a letter explaining the connection BCAA has with Mohawk gas stations. Do I have to sign up again with Mohawk to get the benefits of a reduced BCAA membership next year? I have already paid for more than 3 months of bills from Mohawk with my current BCAA/Mohawk gas card. Should I ask them for a refund? Do I need to fill out another application form from you in order to complete the process? Am I not already signed up with Mohawk? If I sign up again, do I lose the 2% discount on next year's membership that I have already earned? Should I use a better grade of gasoline in my car? Do you think new radial tires will get me through the winter? Is the Mohawk name just as racist as the Atlanta Braves-Cleveland Indians World Series? What's your angle on this whole Quebec separation thing? And what will happen to Pepe LePew? Will BC separate to the States? What if we joined Hawaii? Would we have better weather? Are the Grizzlies going to even win a single game this year? What's with those Canucks? When will Milli Vanilli ever give a live concert again? Will Michael Jackson get a slight tan and become confused with that albino kid in the movie "Powder"? Who really owns Greenland anyways? And why don't we move all the politicians and lawyers there? Any idea how to get a bike chain grease mark off of tan pants? What the heck is a Morphin?

Oops, sorry. Kinda rattled on there. Anyways, if you have any answers for me, please let me know as soon as possible (I don't want my BCAA/Mohawk card to lose any of it's benefits if I can help it). Thanks for your attention to my letter. Enclosed is a copy of your letter.

For better answers in a confusing world,

Dairn M Peters

PS Do you have a cap you could send for my son, Braydn? He collects them. Thanks!

BCAA Reply

2005-07-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

November 17, 1995

Dear Mr. Peters:

I am writing in response to your letter dated November 1, 1995. It was a real pleasure to receive your letter, it came just at that moment in the day when you really need a little bit of a laugh. Now let me see what I can do to answer some of the questions that you posed.

In regards to your BCAA/Mohawk credit card. There is no need to sign-up again for the BCAA/Mohawk credit card. You are currently part of the program that credits your BCAA membership as you use your BCAA/Mohawk credit card, so therefore no need to request a refund.

As far as using a better grade of gasoline in your car, go for it! The best for the best!! Let me just briefly answer the remaining questions by saying ... maybe ... No ... no comment ... Pepe Le Who? ... hope not ... I would open an office there, so I would get better weather for sure ... I know more about the squirrel population in Vancouver than I do about the bear population ... I heard that Milli Vanilli were playing for the Canucks defense ... don't know ... where is Greenland? ... agreed ... try "Simply Green" directly on the spot and let it soak for 30 minutes prior to washing ... did you say Morphin or Morphine???

I hope I have answered your question(s) sufficiently. Not to worry, you are earning a discount on your BCAA membership when you use your BCAA/Mohawk credit card. Thanks for your letter, if you have any questions or comments please feel free to call me at 268-5501.

Sincerely,

Ian Somerville
Manager

PS I hope Braydn enjoys the cap.

Zero Chocolate Bar Letter (1)

2005-07-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

January 27, 1996

N.V. KJSCO S.A.
Brusselsteenweg 450
1500 Halle
Belgium

Dear heavenly confectioners,

All of us "clients" here at the Riverview Mental Institution have fallen in love with your wonderfully sinful ZERO chocolate bars! They are the best thing we have tasted since our 1954 milkshake machine broke down! The wardens... uh, nurses, allow us one treat per week from the outside world and your Belgium chocolate is our favourite. The reason for this letter is to say "thank you" for creating such a perfect delight. It is one of our only pleasures in this dreary existence (except for "spinach purée surprise" on Thursday nights).

We are only allowed to write one letter each month and I was chosen by the other inmates... uh, clients, to send you our appreciation. I guess I was selected because I am the only one who has no family with whom to correspond (some were killed in the San Francisco earthquake in '88, others were killed in the Crusades in the 13th century, and my uncle was taken by alien invaders, but I don't want to bore you with the details), and also, the reason I'm in this prison... uh, institution, is because I used to write letters to large corporations every so often, asking them really silly questions. I guess I was considered "qualified".

I hope that you can understand our sincere thanks for making this world of ours a better place! Danka! Could you please send a few ZERO hats or caps for the prisoners... uh, clients to wear? We would really appreciate it! I hope that this letter gets to the right person (I've enclosed a ZERO wrapper with your address for reference). Please resond soon, as some of us are planning to break out when it gets warmer. Thanks and merci!

Chocolate is nice,

Dairn M Peters

PS We're not too thrilled about the "Muscles from Brussels", Jean-Claude Van Damme. Will your country be taking him back any time soon?

Zero Chocolate Bar Letter (2)

2005-07-07T08:48:00.000-07:00

October 17, 1996

N.V. KJSCO S.A.
Brusselsesteenweg 450
1500 Halle
Belgium

Dear Chocolate gods,

We NEED to hear from you! I wrote a letter to you nine months ago, and have received no response. Please take a moment to read my previous letter (copy enclosed) and send a letter back as soon as possible. Everyone here at the Riverview Institute loves ZERO bars! Thank you so much for your quick reply!

I think the rooms are bugged,

Dairn M Peters

Zero Chocolate Bar Reply

2005-07-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

Kraft Jacobs Suchard

Met vriendelijke groeten
Avec les compliments de
With compliments
Mit freundlichen Gruben

* NOTE: The following was handwritten on a piece of letterhead.

Dear Dairn M Peters,

Please find herewith a few Zero headbands
for thanking you to be fallen in love
with our delightfull Zero.

Kind regards,

Wavters Tauie

Alaska Airlines Letter

2005-07-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

June 26, 1998

Alaska Airlines
PO Box 68900
Seattle, WA
98168

Dear aviation authorities,

As long as I could remember, every trip I've taken has been with another airline (we'll just say it hasn't always been the most "friendly skies" during each flight). I don't know why, but this past May I was booked on Alaska Airlines for a trip down to LA from Vancouver. I was a little nervous at first because I hadn't heard much about you, but now I'm a believer! The flight was excellent, nay, superb! The service was second-to-none and the food was to die for (compared to the slime I was getting used to on that other "divided" airline). The captain even came to the back to greet everyone during the flight. You do have an autopilot feature, don't you? Needless to say, I'll be flying Alaskan from now on. Even your flight attendants are cute!

I do have a few suggestions and one question, however. The jet was a 737 and I had a window seat, which was nice. But to look out the windows I had to crank my neck down at a 90 degree angle, and tilt it to the right to see out of the little tiny portal. May I suggest moving all of the windows up 8-12 inches for a better view? Or maybe lowering the floor? Somehow I think I missed a lot of the great scenery one can find at 30,000 feet. Another suggestion would be to install a conveyor belt the length of the middle aisle. This would allow for the drink and food carts to be moved effortlessly without the dragging/pushing from the overworked attendants. Great ideas or what?

My final inquiry concerns the large portrait of Johnny Cash on the tail of your jets. At first I thought that each plane may feature the likeness of a different celebrity, but at LAX I saw that all of your aircraft show off the smile of the "man in black." Does he own the company? Has he paid a large promotional fee to spread the gospel of country and western twang? Will there be other musicians featured in the future (Randy Travis, Canada's Shania Twain, Bob Dylan, or even Meatloaf)? This would be a really novel idea, please let me know what you have planned!

Well, I just wanted to say, "job well done!" It's not often a company receives my personal praise, so let everyone know that they're great, and that you've got a committed AA'er on your hands for life! Please take some time out of your busy schedule to address my question and suggestions. Do you have an Alaska Air t-shirt (XL) for my son Philipé? Thanks a lot!

Landing gear is for wimps,

Dairn M Peters

Alaska Airlines Reply

2005-07-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

August 20, 1998

Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you for your letter of June 26. We appreciate your kind remarks.

We will certainly take your suggestions into consideration. And, just to clarify, the face you see on the tail of our aircraft is actually that of an Alaskan Eskimo. He symbolizes the State of Alaska, from which Alaska Airlines first began transporting customers on our airline.

Thank you again for your kind letter.

Sincerely,

Valerie J. Svilarich
Manager, Consumer Affairs

Old Dutch Letter

2005-06-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

July 10, 1995

Old Dutch Foods Ltd (Chip Div.)
100 Bentall St
Winnipeg, Manitoba
R2X 3Y5

Dear Crunchy Comrades,

Your chips are the best! My favourite flavours are barbeque and salt & vinegar. I am writing to you because I think that you could use a saying in your advertisements that my dad always says. He always says, "If it ain't Dutch, it ain't much!" Could you use that as a slogan or something? I think your chip competition would be toasted! I think that my dad always says that because we originally came from the country where Dutch people come from (not Dutchland!), Germany or something. My dad grew up in Winnipeg and talks about skating on the Red River, then he moved out here to B.C. I've tried "Red River" cereal and I didn't like it, but that's not your fault.

Please write back and let me know what you think of my dad's saying. I'm glad the Jets are staying in your city. I like Selanne. Bye.

No chip on my shoulder,

Dairn M Peters

PS Could you send a cap or t-shirt (XL) for my dad and my brother Hans? (He helped me type this)

Old Dutch Reply

2005-06-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

August 3, 1995

Dear Dairn:

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your letter. We are always pleased to hear from a satisfied customer.

To show our appreciation we are enclosing a letter which entitles you to one 200 gram box of Old Dutch Potato Chips. We hope that you will enjoy them.

We will forward your advertising suggestion to our marketing department.

Yours truly,

Larry Starr
Sales Manager

Esso Letter

2005-06-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

May 25, 1995

Esso Customer Service
90 Wynford Drive
North York, Ontario
M3C 1K5

Dear petrol professionals,

I have been using your fine products in my cars since I've been able to drive (approx. 9 years), and have consistently been impressed with the quality of your various grades of gasoline and motor oils. Your employees are always knowledgeable, courteous and helpful. I very much appreciate your stations that have 24 hour service, and also the stations with mini stores. I'm sure your many gas depots that are affiliated with the 7-11 food stores have become a rousing success and, no doubt, a profitable co-existence for both parties. Also, in past years your sponsorship of Hockey Night In Canada has played an integral part in keeping a national institution on our proud Canadian airwaves. Keep up the great work!

The main reason for this letter is to congratulate you on your recent marketing endeavour. It must have been quite the coup to secure a deal with Kelloggs in order to have "Tony the Tiger" star in all of your TV and paper advertisements! Being an Esso user and a closet Frosted Flakes fan (sshhh, don't tell anyone), I see this move as a stroke of genius! Whoever thought of the gasoline/cereal combination should be commended and promoted in order to not waste his/her obvious talents, just to be stuck in some marketing think-tank! The TV spots show a warmer, more helpful and friendly "Tony", who is not only out there getting kids to "show 'em you're a tiger", but to allow for the taking care of everyday needs, which just happen to include getting a fill up, and maybe a car wash. Another nice touch is to have the gas pump hoses wrapped in orange tape to give them a "Tony the Tiger" tail look (I've seen them at the station on the corner of Willingdon and Kingsway, here in Burnaby). It only makes sense that the proud stripes on a tiger should be associated with Canada's pride of the petroleum industry!

Before I sign off, I would like to make a suggestion. How about giving out a bowl of Frosted Flakes cereal with each fill (25L or more)? Or even just one of those single serving boxes if it's too difficult to keep bowls and milk on hand? This would be perfect for those of us who don't always have time for a wholesome breakfast before work. Also, more people may get to try Frosted Flakes for the first time, or renew that longing for sugar coated cereal that gets pushed aside with age. Besides, who doesn't love Frosted Flakes? "They're Grrrrreat!"

Please let me know what you think of my suggestion by letter, because with my line of work, I'm often on the road using up my tank of Esso gas!

"Shell" is hell,

Dairn M Peters

PS I haven't heard Tony the Tiger speak on any of your commercials. Are you having trouble getting Tony's "voice" under contract?

Esso Reply

2005-06-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

June 6, 1995

Dear Mr. Peters:

Re: File #207460

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for having taken the time to express your satisfaction with Esso's products and services. It is always a pleasure to hear from our customers, especially when their experiences have been so positive. We are very proud of the people associated with our organization and are always delighted to learn that their commitment to service excellence is appreciated.

With regard to your comments concerning one of Imperial's recent marketing campaigns, please allow me to explain that the Esso Tiger featured in our advertising is in no way associated with a breakfast cereal or Kelloggs. The Esso Tiger has been a part of our advertising strategy for almost 30 years and it promotes Esso's motor gasoline and other petroleum-related products and services.

Once again, Mr. Peters, thank you for having found the time to write to our centre. It is our hope that you will continue to use Esso products and services and grant us the opportunity to earn our stripes!

Sincerely yours,

David E. J. Sims
Customer Service Coordinator

ICBC Letter

2005-06-27T15:58:00.000-07:00

July 17, 1998

Mr. T.M. Thompson - Pres/CEO
Insurance Corporation of BC
151 West Esplanade
North Vancouver, BC
V7M 3H9

Dear Insurance Icon,

Thank you very much for your kindly reminder about my vehicle storage insurance expiring soon, it's nice to know that someone is looking after me and my personal car insurance needs. Your letter outlining my premiums and deductible was appreciated, and I will make sure that my coverage is promptly extended.

However, needless to say, I was extremely disturbed by the final sentence of your letter, "Also, please note the following: Road Sense - it starts with you."

WHY ME??? Why was I chosen out of the thousands of BC drivers for this heavy responsibility, and do I have any legal recourse to decline this "supposed" honour? I am guessing that because of my exemplary road record and ICBC RoadStar status my name was bandied about by your team of insurance professionals, but isn't there anyone else? I'm only 28 for Pete's sake! My dad has a longer and possibly better record than me (except for that incident in 1979 with the chicken truck). Even my wife (Stella) would be a better choice. She's never had a speeding or parking ticket, and I've had plenty! Two of my dogs were run over when I was young - road sense just never seemed to run in the family! I haven't been able to sleep well since receiving your letter a few weeks ago, and I finally got up the courage to write back. Please think twice before making me the provincial example for all to follow!

Irregardless of your final decision, I have a few questions for you.

1. If Road Sense starts with me, is it something I can pass on to someone else fairly soon (like, "tag, you're it")? This would relieve SOME of the enormous pressure.

2. Do I get any monetary benefits with being chosen? (Maybe cold hard cash or no insurance payments for the rest of my lifetime?)

3. Do my criminal charges get wiped off my permanent record? (If you didn't know about them, please disregard this question)

Thank you so much for responding to my questions, and your reconsideration of me for this tremendous task. I will rest easier when I read your personal reply. Do you have an ICBC cap or t-shirt (XL) for my dad? He'd be thrilled! Thanks a lot.

Insured Confidently By Colt,

Dairn M Peters

ICBC Reply

2005-06-27T15:45:00.000-07:00

August 17, 1998

Dear Dairn M Peters:

Thank you for your letter of July 20, 1998.

I regret any distress the RoadSense message on the bottom of your Notice to Renew may have caused you. You will be pleased to learn that this message is included on every Notice to Renew, which are regularly sent out to thousands of ICBC policyholders throughout British Columbia. In this regard, you have not been singled out in any way. I hope this information relieves the feelings of personal pressure you described in your letter.

To answer your questions, in order:

1. No, ICBC believes that each individual driver must take responsibility for driving in a safe and sensible way. It is reassuring to be informed that your father and wife Stella have taken this message to heart. Perhaps if others had shown some "RoadSense", you would not have suffered the regrettable loss of your family pets.

2. Yes, your insurance rates remain lower than otherwise. If everyone gets the RoadSense message, they will go down even further, with a corresponding decrease in injuries and fatalities. As a young married man, I am sure the prospect of a long, healthy life means as much to you as any monetary benefits.

3. As you suggest, I am disregarding the question that refers to your criminal record.

Given your keen interest in this topic, I am pleased to enclose a RoadSense hat for you. As well, to thank your father and your wife for their support, I have also included two RoadSense t-shirts for them. As you might imagine, our hundreds of community supporters and volunteers wear these shirts and hats with a great deal of pride - and I hope in time, you will, too.

Iconoclastically,

Thom M. Thompson
President and Chief Executive Officer

Mr. Submarine Letter (1)

2005-06-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

August 11, 1995

Mr. Submarine
#208-3767 Norfolk St.
Burnaby, BC
V5G 1E3

Dear u-boaters,

I have been a submarine enthusiast since seeing Disney's 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea as a young child. Boy, that was a classic submarine epic, with the forces of good and evil battling to an awesome climax of danger and suspense (and, of course having a giant squid in the script never hurts!). I'd like to congratulate you on your dedication to submarine research. Anyone who has been named "Mr. Submarine" must be the epitome of underwater exploration. Jacques Cousteau, look out!

My letter is intended to not only be a congratulatory note, but to ask a question as well: "Can I get a job researching submarines with your (assumingly) extensive team of professionals?" I know that I possess the drive and determination required to join your corporation, and I believe that I also have a good handle on much of the knowledge required to be a contributing submarine analyst. You see, I've rented almost every movie made with submarines in them, from Das Boot to Hunt for Red October. I have seen Crimson Tide (with Gene Hackman) twice in the theatre, and have watched The Enemy Below on Sunday afternoon TV about four times! I think that I'm more than ready for my first assignment on the Mr. Submarine crew.

Please respond to my request by mail as I can't hear the phone ring while I'm in my pool practising for oceanic depressurization.

We all live in a yellow submarine,

Dairn M Peters

PS Could you send me a Mr. Submarine cap or t-shirt for my father-in-law? He's an ex-Navy commander and it would mean so much to him!

Mr. Submarine Letter (2)

2005-06-24T15:43:00.000-07:00

September 21, 1995

Attn: Mr. Dan Jeffries
Mr. Submarine
#208-3767 Norfolk St.
Burnaby, BC V5G 1E3

Dear Captain Dan,

I wrote a letter to Mr. Submarine exactly 41 days ago (a nuclear sub could have travelled under the polar ice cap in that time), and I asked if he needed any help with his crew of submarine experts. I have heard no reply whatsoever, so that is when I got a hold of your name as someone who may be able to assist me.

Please respond to my letter (I enclosed a copy of the original) or pass it to someone who may be able to respond. I know that a lot of your time may be taken up out at sea (or under it, or whatever), and I am now, at this very moment, preparing to take job offers from Subway, Sub Stop, and Ned's Scuba World (a possible stepping stone to future submarine work, I'm sure).

Thanks for taking the time to answer my original letter and question. If you are not hiring at this time I will understand, but please don't leave me hanging.

"Darn the torpedoes",

Dairn M Peters

PS My father-in-law's birthday is coming up in early October and it would mean so much to him if you could send a Mr. Sub cap or t-shirt (XL). Do you have any?

Mr. Submarine Reply

2005-06-24T15:38:00.000-07:00

11/13/95

Dear Mr. Peters:

Please accept my apologies for such a long delay in responding to your correspondence. As you know the mail is not delivered that frequently to us 'u-boaters'.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading both of your letters. However, at this time we have a full crew here at H.Q. (me). If you are looking for placement at one of the franchised shops, contact the respective skippers directly.

I do however, think you are pursuing the wrong boat. You ought to be in the journalism business. Your letters were nothing short of first class.

Sincerely,

Dan Jeffries
Regional Manager, BC
Mr. Submarine Ltd.

Nerf Letter

2005-06-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

July 22, 1996

Hasbro Promotions and Direct, Inc.
PO Box 9
Pawtucket, RI
02862-0009

Dear terrific toy people,

I am ecstatic about your fun, but safe, line of NERF toys! For the past few years I have been purchasing NERF products for the birthdays of my nieces and nephews. They just love the creative ways that they can have fun when using your soft, plush (and very safe) toys! Recently I purchased a NERF bow and arrow for my nephew, Jeffrey, and his joyous reaction prompted me to write you a letter and tell you how much I appreciate your company.

You see, about 17 years ago I was running in the house with a pair of scissors in my hand (I can't recall why I had the scissors, but you get the picture). Of course just as my wife (Joni) yelled at me, "don't run with scissors in your hand", I tripped over the foot rest in the living room (just like the Dick Van Dyke Show) and put my eye out. Well, since then, I haven't run with anything sharp, and I don't even like to hold anything with a pointy end! I sort of look like a pirate now (with my patch), and I try to teach kids a lesson that I learned the hard way. I am totally "sold" on the benefits of NERF products (no sharp pointy ends) and I let everyone know that they are safe and fun toys with which to play.

When I saw your address on the box of Jeffrey's toy, I just felt that I should write (I almost never write anyone because it's tough to focus with one eye). I enclosed my proof of purchase. Please accept my sincere gratitude for continuing to create such a fine product. Is it possible to send a NERF cap for my hat collection, and a couple of refill arrows for his toy? Thanks a lot for responding to my letter!

I'll keep an eye out for you,

Dairn M Peters

PS You guys are the greatest!

Nerf Reply

2005-06-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

August 1, 1996

Dear Mr. Peters,

Thank you for contacting the Hasbro Toy Group. We appreciate you taking the time to let us know how much you enjoy our products.

Consumer satisfaction is very important to us, and it's great to know that we can include you among our many satisfied consumers. We will share your comments with our management team so that they are also aware of your views.

We want to assure you that all of us who are part of the Hasbro Toy Group are dedicated to maintaining quality products and service. We hope you and your family will continue to enjoy our products for many years to come.

Again, thank you for contacting us, and for your kind words.

Sincerely,

Ana C. Marin
Consumer Affairs Representative

Fruitopia Letter

2005-06-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

June 12, 1996

Coca-Cola Company
Attn: President or CEO
PO Drawer 1734
Atlanta, GA 30301

Dear fruity drink producers,

I love Fruitopia, and by the looks of it, so do hundreds of "kids" between the ages of 65 and 95. As assistant director of a Seniors summer camp program, I know firsthand the popularity of your product among the golden agers! At first they were skeptical when we brought in Fruitopia as one of the beverages in the camp store, but now your miracle drink (Fruitopia doubles their energy level) outsells your competitor, "Crapple" (name changed to protect the guilty), ten to one! In fact, the seniors drink more Fruitopia than prune juice, which had been our best seller for over 15 years. To your people at Coke a hearty "Bravo, and well done!"

When I called the 1-800 number on the Fruitopia label, an operator at Coca-Cola in Atlanta named Brad gave me this address and advised me to direct my glowing letter of praise and appreciation to the President (but since I didn't have Clinton's address at the White House, I thought I'd write you instead.... just kidding!). One question that some of our "clients" have posed to me is, "Will Fruitopia be coming out with a prune flavoured drink in the near future?" Of course I haven't been able to answer this, but if you could let me know I'd be much obliged (prune juice isn't all that bad!).

Thanks for taking the time from your busy schedule to respond to my letter and inquiry. Is it possible to send me a Fruitopia cap for my collection? I appreciate what you do, and over 200 old timers do too!

Juice for geriatrics,

Dairn M Peters

PS Fruitopia is the official drink of our "Granny Olympics" this year!

Fruitopia Reply (1)

2005-06-22T11:24:00.000-07:00

July 8, 1996

Dear Mr. Peters:

We enjoyed reading your letter regarding the popularity of Fruitopia at your seniors' summer camp program. We are pleased to know that Fruitopia has become the drink of choice for many of the campers.

While we appreciate your interest in a prune-flavored Fruitopia, we are unable to say if this product is in our future plans. New products are always being considered by our Company; however, for competitive, and other reasons, which we are sure you will understand, our new product research is confidential.

Unfortunately, Mr. Peters, because of trademark restrictions in Canada, I am unable to send you the FRuitopia cap you requested. However, I hope you will enjoy the enclosed coupons as a small way of our saying thanks for taking the time to write!

Sincerely,

Susan Righter
Consumer Affairs Specialist

Encl: Canadian Fruitopia Coupons (2) & Fruitopia Ingredients Chart

Fruitopia Reply (2)

2005-06-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

September 27, 1996

Dear Mr. Peters:

Thank you very much for your recent letter about Fruitopia.

This product is, indeed, very popular with kids of ALL ages, and we were thrilled to hear that Fruitopia was chosen as the drink of choice for the Granny Olympics! In Atlanta, PowerAde was the Official Sports Drink of The Centennial Olympic Games, but perhaps we should have followed you and used Fruitopia instead!

Unfortunately, we have no plans at present to introduce a prune-flavoured Fruitopia, but I will definitely pass a copy of your letter along to our Marketing Department so that they can consider this.

Although we don't have any Fruitopia items that we can send for all 200 of your young-at-heart Olympians, we are happy to enclose these caps which perhaps can be used as prizes. We thank you for taking the time to share these moments with us.

Sincerely,

Janet Horansky
Consumer Affairs

* Enclosed: 24 Fruitopia caps

BiC Letter

2005-06-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

September 18, 1995

BiC Corporation
Customer Service Dept
Milford, CT
06460

Dear plastic pen professionals,

BiC is the epitome of salvation for money conscious students across this great continent of ours! I love BiC pens! I love the simplistic way they look and feel in my hand, while still providing a smooth flow of ink from the ball point to the recycled paper I write on. Almost everyone I have ever spoken to has used a BiC pen at some point in their lives, so I am led to believe that BiC is the most popular (not to mention most reliable) pen on the planet. Take THAT Paper Mate! Long live the many colours and styles of BiC writing utensils!!!

The reason for my letter (I rarely, if ever, write letters) is due to a comment my sister-in-law, Shaloncia, brought up during a late night Rook game: "How come everyone chews the caps or ends of BiC pens?" Needless to say everyone was tired and a lot of weird things were said, but this question deserved some merit. I, while chewing my trusty blue, medium ink, BiC pen, had no answers for Shally (as her family calls her). I told her to write to you, but she thought it was a stupid question for which there may not be an adequate answer. So here I am, unbeknownst to her, writing to the BiC corporation asking if you know why people chew on your carefully crafted pens?

I, of course, will fully understand if you have no answer to our query, but an idea of Shally's struck me as ingenious: since so many people use BiC pens (and possibly chew on them), why not have flavoured caps on your wonderful products??? I think it would be a great idea for two reasons: FIRST, people wouldn't be sucking on that bland plastic flavour anymore, but a fruity (or whatever) flavour which could stir up one's taste buds as much as one's creative juices; and SECOND, more people would be chewing, so more pens would have to be purchased due to toothy wear and tear on your pens. You make more money, and the purchasing public gets more satisfaction out of using your product! Different flavour ideas could be mint, tootie-frootie, cinnamon, bacon, salt & vinegar, or even liver and onions for those with discerning tastes. Or what about nicotine flavoured pen caps for those trying to quit smoking? The possibilities are endless!

If possible, please write back and let me know what you think of Shally's idea. She will be absolutely thrilled when I pass on a letter from you to her regarding her question and suggestion. Thanks for taking the time to read a letter from a proud Canadian BiC pen user!

Think ink,

Dairn M Peters

PS Do you have a nice BiC cap or t-shirt (XL) that you could send for Shaloncia? Thanks again!

BiC Reply

2005-06-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

November 10, 1995

Dear Dairn:

We have received your letter telling us how much you enjoy using BIC Pens.

Letters like yours tell us our efforts to provide high quality products are appreciated. Consumers have a large selection of writing instruments available to them with the BIC Trademark which means quality at a reasonable price.

You mentioned your discussion with your sister-in-law, Shally, about why people chew the caps of their pens and why we don't make flavored caps. While we are aware that many of our consumers chew on our pens, we do discourage people from putting pens, pen caps or other items not intended for consumption in their mouths.

We have enclosed a complimentary selection of writing instruments for you and Shally to use. We know you will be pleased with the way they write.

Thank you for taking the time to write to us and for your interest in our products.

Sincerely,

Laura Ceballos
Consumer Affairs